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Wednesday 2 November 2011

The day Stanley started Pre-School.

Today for me, has been the most emotionally draining day I have ever experienced in life and as a Mother; today was Stanleys first day at Pre-School.

Stanley was due to start Pre-School in January 2012 (the term after his 3rd birthday).  However, I made the decision to send him early a few weeks ago when I could see his interactions with other children were difficult (do not get me wrong, he can play nicely at times, see my previous blog post for more info) but I believe he needs proper socialisation with other children.  Therefore it seemed like a good idea to ease him in gradually by starting him a few months before the planned start date in January, so it didn't come as too much of a shock.
 
Now I take full responsibilty for Stanleys challenging behaviour with other children.  He has no siblings yet (not a decision I regret at all), but it would appear we didn't spend enough time with other toddlers when these social skills start forming.  Most of the days since Stanley was born we have spent together.  I went back to work fairly early, when he was about 7 months old, but was fortunate enough to never have to put him in a nursery, in our case the role of extended families has been priceless.  So when I work family has him, and at weekends and evenings Daddy is there, but the rest of the time he has been with me.  So I believe this has meant he just does not know how to act with other children.  He is not being mean, or naughty; he just hasn't learnt those skills yet.

It dawned on me yesterday evening; yes, less than 24 hours before he started Pre-School (and 2 weeks after our Pre-School visit) what a huge step this is for the both of us.  To be fair the fact that it dawned on me so close to actual event is not a huge surprise, this has happened before; take my Wedding Rehearsal for example, the Vicar had to pull me aside and check I was okay (I think she was worried that I did not want to get married!) because I was in such an emotional state at the rehearsal, I could not get the words of my vows out at all with all the crying I was doing.  So, what I am saying is I think this is how I deal with things, I push the in's and out's, and the magnitude of things to the back of my mind for as long as possible.

Last night my worries began and my main worry was surrounding the fact that whenever I have left Stanley previously he has been left with loving family members, Grandparents or Daddy.  At Pre-School he would be left with people who are experienced in childcare, but they do not know my son, and they certainly do not love him.  He also does not know them, he is entering a strange building, full of adults he has never met, so has no trust in them, as well as meeting lots of other children. That is a lot to deal with, hence last night I got quite upset about it, and at 11pm ended up creeping into Stanleys room, whispering that I love him and curling up next to him to sleep.

All this would be stressful in itself, but of course this would happen when I feel drained and run down anyway with a virus.  I should have expected that though, I have been saying for months and months that I think breastfeeding keeps 'me' healthy, for I haven't been poorly in so long.  Then throw some female hormones into the mix and in terms of my emotional response to it all, it was a disaster waiting to happen.

So we arrive at Pre-School at midday, stood in the queue and Stanley starts shouting that he wants to go in; just to clarify, Stanley is not the most patient boy in the world.  So eventually we're at the front of the queue I give him a kiss, say goodbye and he's off.  I stand there to the side of the door (out of sight) and listen, and then I hear it, "I want my Mummy" sobbed repeatedly.  My heart breaks, instinctively I want to run in and cuddle him, but I hold back, more children are entering the room so I decide to wait until they have all gone in and speak to one of the Pre-School teachers about it.  It felt like an age, but in reality it was only 2 minutes before I could not hear Stanley anymore, when the last little boy had entered the room.  I peek into the room, after the Pre-School worker says he is fine now, and she is right he is fine.  He was chatting away to a Pre-School worker, but I feel so, so sad.  I am walking away leaving my little boy with people I and he don't really know.  The 5 minute walk home was the longest walk of my life.

At home I sit on the sofa and weep.  I cry for the little boy who wants his Mummy, even though it is his Mummy who made the decision to leave him in this unfamiliar place, with unfamiliar people.  I try and take my mind off it but 45 minutes later I call them to check he is okay, and again he was, he was reading a book with one of the teachers.  My mum then calls me, and she has been so supportive today.  I am one of six children, so she has left (more than her fair share of) children at Pre-School for the first time and walked away before.  She says something so moving, which perhaps unbeknown to her made me cry, her words were along the lines of "From the day they are born they are never really yours, they are just growing their way to adulthood."  And it is horribly true, this is Stanley growing up, a pivitol moment in his life, the first step of the 'Formal Education' Ladder.

I am sending Stanley to Pre-School because I want Stanley to be better at socialising with other children (which I am sure Pre-School will help with), but I really am hating the thought of it as his first step on the 'Formal Education' ladder.  I am lucky, Stanley does not start school until he is 5 (in the UK they can go as soon as a few days after their 4th birthday depending on when their birthday falls) but the more I look into it, the more I am resenting the UK school system.  Why can we not be more like Sweden, or Germany with a Kindergarten until the age of 6 or 7, and just learn through play until then?  From my personal experience I really believe the UK school system drains most of your creativity out of you, and I am unsure if I want this for my son; but what other option do I have?  I am not up for home-schooling, I do not believe I would do Stanleys education justice so that's that.  I live in the UK so I am left needing a lottery win so I can send my son to a Steiner School........

So where does this leave me now?  Stanley is tucked up in bed, he hasn't been clingy at all since we left Pre-School this afternoon, he really is fine.  I am the one who is struggling, and hoping that by writing this I will feel better; a blog if nothing else is cathartic.  Stanley is due in Pre-School again on Friday afternoon, lets hope that goes as well, if not better than today.  In reality if the Attachment Parenting has done what it's aim was at the beginning, then the strong attachment we share should over-ride a lot of the seperation anxiety that is possible when starting Pre-School......but I think only time will tell.
 

**Well done Stanley, Mummy is ever so proud of you, and even though she didn't think it was possible to love you anymore than she did yesterday, she does.**