On Reflection.....

This is just a short reflective piece of writing about the little boy Stanley has become.  As you all know maternal instinct drove me to parent in the way that felt most comfortable to me.  It's been fairly easy ride in comparison to others, and I have gone out of my way not to make a big deal of the small things, and not compare Stanley to other children.  However when I look back, with hindsight I don't believe I was 100% sure I was doing what was best for Stanley (I was just following my maternal instinct), I mean how do you know you are going to create a happy, well-adjusted child at the end of it?  Especially when other peoples children act and seem different to your own.  My point is you don't know, you just have to do what feels best to you as their mother.  It would be so easy as a mother to turn your back on your own maternal instincts and take the well-meaning, but usually ill-informed advice from others.

I had a few concerns when Stanley was a toddler, not big ones, but I worried all the same that he was quite a 'clingy' toddler (I am sorry to use the term 'clingy' - I really dislike it now, and since then I have learnt it's a completely normal, and natural process of forming a strong attachment).  I was concerned I was creating a fearful, introverted, timid child.  And although I did not ever want to compare Stanley to others I found it difficult as friends toddlers did seem more advanced socially. 

With hindsight I really wish I not not spent a second on troubling myself with these thoughts.  I have fairly recently come to realise that Stanley is as gregarious and fearless as they come.  He is very confident and outgoing, happy to chatter and play with other children.  He is loving and sensitive, although prone to hugging other children he may not know very well!  I am so happy about the personality which is forming, it is great for him, I honestly would have felt like I had let him down had he been fearful and introverted.  Obviously an easy target of blame would have been the style of parenting I had chosen if that had been the case.

So now what I wonder is, would Stanley be the same little gregarious, fearless little boy without the bed-sharing, extended breastfeeding, or if he had been left to cry.  No one can answer this question.  But the studies suggest attachment parenting will increase a child's confidence, whilst leaving a child to cry on nightly basis to 'aid' sleep (what a joke, whose sleep is this meant to aid I wonder?) could well help create an insecure child.  This leaves me sure that of course 'nature' is important factor in the person Stanley will become, but I now think and see proof that attached parenting is also playing a very beneficial part in the journey too.

Rioting and Attachment.

Last week it was difficult to get away from the endless coverage of the London riots (and latterly other UK cities).  It shocked me to watch it, as I think it did most other people, and got me thinking about how these young people got to the point in their lives where this anti-social, destructive behaviour (to themselves and their community) is acceptable.  The young people committing these crimes were once babies, and then young children; they were not destined to do this.  I believe factors in their lives have shaped them, thus leading them up this path.  There is no doubt that ultimately they had a choice, no-one was forcing them to loot, but I believe other factors led them to see this as an appropriate way to act; whether it be linked to their family and upbringing, or important factors such as education, poverty and inequality.

On August 4th this year (just a day or so before the first riots) the BBC news website published an article called 'Parents should follow five-step approach'.  Chris Paterson who wrote the report states "the most important factor influencing a child's intellectual and social development was the quality of parenting and care they received."  Whilst Ms Teather, the Childrens Minister states "Raising greater awareness of the importance of high quality parenting skills and building strong family relationships for children in the foundation years and beyond is invaluable."  The  5-a day approach consists of reading with your child for 15 minutes, playing for 10 minutes, talking for 20 minutes with the TV turned off, giving you child a nutritious diet, and adopting a positive attitude towards your child, ie: praising them frequently.  This is good if people take note of this who are not giving their children the attention the deserve, but it made me think how many people raise their children with a negative attitude, and giving their children such little attention - this will no doubt have quite an impact on that childs future.  There is no doubt in my mind that the young people who took part in these riots were not generally from homes with a stable, positive home-life.  I believe that this along with the effects of high unemployment rates, poverty and inequality among this social group have helped create a generation of disempowered individuals.  I read a very interesting comment the other day, someone was wondering what the answers would be if they asked the youths involved with the riots what their best family memories were.  I think we all know what their answers would be - few and far between.

So what has all this got to do with Nurturing Stanley?  I started thinking about Attachment Parenting, which Stanley and I naturally fell into.  I honestly believe that if the parents of the rioters had followed the basics of this there would have been much less likelihood of the outcome we saw last weekend.  The aim of Attachment parenting is based upon the child forming strong 'secure attachments' with its primary caregivers.  This is not a new theory by any means, Psychologist John Bowlby was the first attachment theorist, describing attachment as a "lasting psychological connectedness between human beings". Bowlby believed that the earliest bonds formed by children with their caregivers have a tremendous impact that continues throughout life.  It is well known that a few of the long-term beneficial effects of having a secure attachment with your mother or primary caregiver include:-

• Positive self image and high self esteem - the positivity from the way the parent sees and treats the child in turn becomes the way the child sees and treats themselves.
• Autonomy and Determination (with good problem solving skills) - having a 'secure base' develops creativity and mastery, leading to a 'I can do this attitude' whilst knowing he can return for help at anytime.
• Holding a positive view of themselves and others - having a secure attachment generally leads to perceiving the world as a non-threatening place and having a positive view of others.
• Strong relationships - the constant of having a caring affectionate mother paves the way to building and maintaining both long term friendships and intimate relationships - trust, intimacy and positive expectations are second nature.
• Good coping mechanisms - Having hope, a positive outlook on life and good self esteem, along with the ability to reach out for support help securely attached children deal more effectively with emotional challenges, stress and trauma.

Of course like I said previously there will be other complexities in these young peoples lives which I may not even have considered, but creating a strong bond with our children is something we can all do if we put effort and time into our relationships.  It may well create a happier, better socially adapted young adult who has considerations for others and positive expectations for their own future; which sadly was definitely something lacking in those individuals who chose to riot last weekend. 

Thank you for taking the time to read this, your comments are welcome as always.

xx

"Hold my hand Mummy"

This is a photograph of Stanley holding my hand.  He is a month away from his third birthday, it is hard to believe how quick the last 35 months have passed.
This photo was taken during the drive home from a camping holiday in France.  We were sat in the back together watching Toy Story under a duvet, as comfy as you can be while strapped into car seats.  A few minutes into the film he looked at me, smiled and said, "Hold my hand Mummy."
Life with Stanley is so precious.

I didn't really think about it until a friend commented on the picture on Facebook that I will come to treasure this photo, for one day Stanleys' hand will be bigger than mine.  It is so true; infancy and childhood is fleeting.  I believe we should try to make the most of our time with our children; not battle with them to shape them to what we want them to be, for it is a journey and relationship that over time will change.  Our children will not be forever dependant upon us as parents, I would like to think that building a relationship with Stanley based upon love, trust and mutual respect is perhaps what will keep us close when the time comes that Stanleys' hand is bigger than mine.

It is funny that at the time a somewhat insignificant picture can turn into something that is quite pivotal in terms of being a parent.  Does anyone else have any moments they would like to share which defined them as a parent, or cemented their way of thinking in terms of motherhood?

Respecting Stanley

Mutual respect is not something you hear much about when you have a new baby.  But of late I have thought increasingly about whether the parenting techniques we use widely in Western society create a mutual respect between parent and child.  It never crossed my mind in the first couple of years but as Stanley is growing up and beginning to assert himself, ensuring I am respecting his opinions and views is becoming more important to me as his mother.

From birth Stanleys needs were met as instantly as possible; whether it was to feed, to sleep (or not!), to cuddle, to play.  This route felt most comfortable to me, following my maternal instinct in meeting my babies needs and providing comfort before he barely 'asked'.  However, this seems to get more complicated as your baby turns into a little person, with their own mind, views and opinions.

There is a pressure in society to get your child to conform; especially in public situations.  Unfortunately we live in a judgmental society where a toddlers temper tantrums will generally be met with rolling eyes, tutting and general disdain.  In all honesty I do find these situations quite hard, but every single time it has happened I can look back with hindsight and see I did not empathise with Stanleys feelings and frustrations enough, which in turn exacerbated the whole episode.  But the pressure of it being a social situation I believe affects my ability to think as I would normally, presumably because, very sadly I am too busy worrying about what other people are thinking.  I am however learning, like we all are, and take on board past experiences to become a better mother, for at the end of the day Stanleys well-being far outweighs what a stranger thinks of my parenting or my son.

I think in general I do try to empathise and take account of Stanleys views fairly well on a general basis.  I try not to manipulate him into doing things too regularly (although sometimes this is unavoidable), while letting him play freely and explore without too much input from myself.   I personally find it extremely hard when I hear about children being forced into situations, for instance, not leaving the table until they have eaten all their dinner.  A child Stanleys age has his own mind, and I feel situations such as this disrespects the child completely.  As an adult some days I may not eat so much and there are foods I dislike and do not eat;  I would feel very angry and upset if someone forced me to sit down and eat, and I fail to see how a toddler or young child is any different.  I believe as parents it is of utmost importance to respect Stanley.  For if he does not get respect from the people he is closest to - his mother and father, how is he ever going to learn he himself is worthy of respect from others and his views and opinions are valued?

Of course there are times when Stanleys wishes are secondary to a safety aspect.  For instance taking his arms out of his car seat straps is a current issue; but taking on-board and understanding his 'discomfort' in the seat, explaining why he has to wear a seat belt and distracting him from it seems to be best way of dealing with it for now. 

I do not want to be a dictator in Stanleys life, I would much rather be a guide he knew was always there and felt he could call upon when needed.  I want him to learn from me, feel worthy of expressing his opinions and make decisions by himself in time; and my hope is by respecting his feelings and empathising with him now, it may just help. 

I'll end this piece with a wonderful quote by Jonas Salk (1914-95) - an American Medical reseacher - "Good parents give their children Roots and Wings. Roots to know where home is and wings to fly away and exercise what's been taught to them." They sound like wise words to me.

"Rod for your own back"

How many times do we, as mothers, get told we are creating a "rod for your own back" from "helpful" friends and acquaintances?

Everybody is an expert when it comes to parenting, and many cannot help themselves but to "share their knowledge"......and I put my hands up, if I meet a mother who is breastfeeding her baby, I do go all out to tell her what a wonderful thing she is doing, and give what I think is helpful advice if asked!

It has got me thinking though, has Stanley become this "rod" that everyone talks about?  The short answer is 'No'.  Perhaps, had I not made the decision to bed-share, or extended breastfeed I may be unhappy with the situation, but the truth is these decisions make life very easy indeed.  For instance Stanley fell asleep last night in what must be a world record for him, 90 seconds! This was 90 seconds of breastfeeding before he unlatched and fell asleep.  He never fights his sleep at bedtime, he is more than happy to head upstairs, clean his toothy pegs, read a short story and snuggle up with Mummy and comforting breast milk, then drift very peacefully off to sleep.  Bedtime in our house really is lovely, however, without a quick breastfeed I have no idea how bedtimes would change.  I think those days  may not be too far away, but I am in no rush for this to change; for like everything else it will be a natural transition. 

Parental expectation, I believe, plays a huge part in how we perceive our children.  At no point in time have I expected Stanley to be weaned, or "sleeping-through" in his own bed at a certain age, so there is no disappointment on my part that we haven't reached this stage.  I know it will come in time, but of course to those outside looking in on my life, many would still perceive Stanley to be this "rod" for my back.  Ultimately though I know the benefits to Stanley in choosing to "still" provide him with comfort at my breast and the luxury of sharing the family-bed, and that is enough for me.

"When are you having another one then?"

I get asked this question on a weekly basis.  I do not mind being asked, in fact, I think it is good to think about it, and it has got me thinking.....when is the right time to have another baby?

There is no doubt that over the last few weeks I am noticeably more broody.  I am unsure if this is simply a change in me, or the secondary effects of Stanleys (who is now 34 months old) reduced breastfeeding; thus a hormonal driven change.

We have been thinking about the logistics of having another baby for a while.  For instance, should we have another baby when Stanley is at Pre-School, or wait until he goes to School when he is 5 years old?  When I go back to work having had a second baby how on earth do you drop your children off in two different places and manage to get to work yourself?  The main reason I find it so difficult to make a decision is that ultimately I want what is best for Stanley.  I would like a new baby in the family to be as small a disruption as possible to him, for I am acutely aware family dynamics will change irreversibly.  I have tried my utmost in the last 34 months to be as gentle and 'Stanley-led' as possible in my parenting, hence making natural decisions such as bed-sharing and extended breastfeeding.  My hope is that another sibling does not arrive until Stanley is old enough to have an understanding of the change, thus being able to deal with it better in himself.   I think it is safe to say when we choose to have another baby it, as Stanley, will be breastfed on demand and will bed-share from the very beginning.  Therefore with a small age gap between children my on-going concern is that this new arrival will rock Stanleys little world negatively, making him feel insecure and jealous, hence since Stanley was born I have always leaned towards a 3.5 year plus age gap.

From what I have read (which is purely opinion, rather than fact) it seems jealousy of a new siblings peaks between 18-36 months.  So having a baby at this time I think would mean a lot of extra pressure on Mum and Dad to make the change as gentle as possible on the older child, as well as finding time to bond and meet the needs of the newborn.  Stanley will be 3 years old in just a couple of months and being honest I think I would have, and probably still would at the moment, find it difficult to parent him in the way I have done and that he has become accustomed too, as well as finding time to spend nurturing my newborn.  Stanley has been known to throw quite dramatic tantrums, and not infrequently, so it has crossed my mind when one of these is happening, how on earth I would manage to keep a level head whilst trying to gently calm him down and tend to a baby?  I feel it would have been an injustice to Stanley to have had a new baby in the last year or so, I really don't believe he would have had the attention he deserves, however of course had it happened there is no doubt he would have adjusted to the change, just as I would have done.

Due to the fact I am definitely coming around to the idea of having a new baby I found it so interesting to read about the 'natural child spacing' that occurs in tribes who have no formal 'family planning', but rely solely on the contraceptive effects of breastfeeding.  In Western society it is no longer possible to rely on breastfeeding as a contraceptive past say the first 6 months; and this is only when you are feeding your baby on demand (day and night) and not supplementing the baby at all with any other milk, or water.  Once you start giving foods, or drinks, or supplement with formula, the contraceptive effect diminishes.  The pressure on mothers to wean their children from the breast is immense.  In reality you can carry on breastfeeding past 6 months and still go back to work, but in the UK this is not considered the norm.  The fact that we, as mothers, go back to work will mean a feeding schedule of some sort is enforced.  Stanley without doubt went without milk when I went back to work, I did 4-5 hour shifts, either morning or afternoon, and he did miss a feed or two in this time.  However he had the luxury of breastfeeding at night so could make up for these missed feeds, a process known as 'reverse cycling'.

So going back to these tribes and the main reason for this post, 'natural child spacing'.  One tribe called the !Kung San, hunter-gatherers in North-Western Botswana have been studied quite extensively.  Konner (1978)  noted that most children weaned after 3 years old, and at this age children woke once a night to nurse (as Stanley does).  Now the difference is that these !Kung tribe children nurse frequently, but briefly throughout the day up until the age of 3 (minimum), thus the contraceptive effect of breastfeeding is prolonged.  Wickes (1953) survey found 'natural birth spacing' for the !Kung tribe is very long because of this with an average of a 44 months (3 years 8 months) between siblings. This is not the only tribe where this has been noted, Kippley (1989) found the Gainj tribe of Papua New Guinea will feed their children on demand, and like the !Kung tribe, very frequently, up to 48 feeds in 24 hours.  This is an absolute world away from Western feeding schedules, where there is a focus upon leaving as much time as possible between feeds, both day and night.  I think it may be wise to question why we need all this time between feeds, who says it is actually for the best? (other than some parenting guru's) - it is certainly not best if we want the contraceptive effect of breasteeding.

Ultimately I feel it is instinctual and very natural to reach the point where you want another baby, and this feeling within me is no doubt getting stronger.  Deciding to have another baby is such a personal decision and of course writing a list of the pro's and con's is helpful, but ultimately not the be all and end all in the decision making process.  Thinking about it logistically at the moment in terms of my family is beneficial to me, in that it is making me take on board the effects it will have on Stanley.  As parents we have to make decisions that are right for our families, and this will no be different in every family, for I have seen very happy children with very short child spacing, and conversely with long spacing. 

Thank you for reading this piece, writing this has been so beneficial to me for the findings appear to back up my instinct that for my family, a bigger gap will hopefully be best for Stanley, and my family as a whole.

References.

Kippley S (1989). Breastfeeding and Natural Child Spacing. New York: Harper and Row.

Konner M (1978). Nursing Frequency and Birth Spacing in !Kung hunter-gathers. IPPF Med Bull. April 15(2): 1-3.

Wickes IG (1953). A History of Infant Feeding. Archives of Diseases in Childhood.

Breast Milk and Cancer.

Over the last two years I have read bits and pieces about breast milk and its links to lower cancer rates for both mum and baby, and more recently a study about breast milk shrinking cancerous bladder tumours.  So this piece discusses this research, and specifically the benefits breastfeeding brings to both mother and baby.

Breast cancer is the most common of all female cancers in the UK, with breast cancer accounting for 31% of all cancers in women.  What this means is that 1 in 8 women will get breast cancer at some point in their life (Sasieni 2011).  This is a scary statistic.  What I have discovered from reading up on this is that we can halve our daughters risk of getting breast cancer in two ways.  By breastfeeding our daughters, it will decrease the likelihood of them getting breast cancer in future, and their risk is reduced again if they themselves choose to breastfeed their own children (which is of course more likely if they as infants were breastfed).  Freudenheim et al. (1994) and Barba et al. (2005) research found women who were breastfed, even if only for a short period have a 25% lower risk of developing breast cancer in comparison with those who were formula fed.  The Collaborative Group on Hormonal Factors in Breast Cancer (2002) study found that a womans risk of breast cancer is reduced by 4.1% for every 12 months she breastfeeds her children.  So breastfeeding your baby protects and lessens the risk of breast cancer for you and your baby.  An interesting question which could be raised having read this is, as breast cancer rates have increased over the last few decades, could it be in part because less women have chosen to breastfeed, thus women have missed out on the beneficial protective effects?  I am not saying it rids the risk of breast cancer, but research suggests it could well halve the risk of getting breast cancer from 1 in 8,  to 1 in 16 (Dettwyler 1995). Breastfeeding has also been found to reduce the risk of Ovarian, Endometrial and Uterine cancer in breastfeeding mothers, as well as rates of Osteoporosis and Rheumatoid Arthritis.

Breastfeeding is also being researched in terms of its protective effects against childhood cancers. Mathur et al. (1993) study found that breastfeeding has a protective element against childhood cancers. They found that this protective element is stronger in those who have been exclusively breastfed.  This research which was based in India concluded that the lower rates of childhood cancers in India could possibly be down to the higher rates of breastfeeding in India and the protective immunological effect this has.  Martin et al. (2005) research also suggests breastfeeding does have a protective effect as regards childhood cancers, albeit small, but worthwhile all the same.

The most recent piece of breast milk research as regards cancer really took me by surprise.  As you know I have always been very pro-breastfeeding, and think the benefits my son is getting from breast milk are fantastic, but the research that has found breast milk 'kills' cancer cells really astonished me.  It really highlights how little we know about breast milk.  Mossberg et al. (2010) studied HAMLET (Human Alpha-lactalbumin Made LEthal to Tumor cells).  Alpha-lactalbumin is the primary protein in human breast milk and to simplify the process it has been found to induce cancer cell death, whilst preserving the healthy cells.  This was found in human trials where it was found to 'kill' bladder cancer by injecting it into the cancer cells; whilst under labratory conditions has been found to 'kill' over 40 different types of cancer.

Breastfeeding helps protect you from cancer in the future, as well as possibly protecting your children from cancers as they grow.  Breast milk is such an undervalued and undiscovered entity, the fact it has been found to induce cancer cell death only in the last year, simply highlights how amazing breast milk is.



References.

Barba M et al. (2005) Premenopausal women who were heavier than average at birth or had not been breastfed as infants appear to be at increased risk for developing breast cancer. Reported at the American Association for Cancer Research - Annual meeting in Anaheim CA. 

Collaborative Group on Hormonal Factors in Breast Cancer. (2002) Breast Cancer and breastfeeding: collaborative reanalysis of individual data from 47 epidemiological studies in 30 countries including 50302 women with breast cancer and 96973 women without the disease. Lancet. 360(9328): 187-95.

Dettwyler, K (1995) http://www.kathydettwyler.org/detcancer.html - accessed 05/07/2011.

Freudenheim J et al. (1994) Exposure to breast milk in infancy and the risk of breast cancer. Epidemiology. 5: 324-31.

Marin RM, Gunnell D, Owen CG, Smith GD. (2005) Breastfeeding and Childhood Cancer: A systematic review with meta-analysis. International Journal of Cancer. 117(6): 1020-31.

Mathur GP, Gupta N, Mathur S, Gupta V, Pradhan S et al. (1993) Breastfeeding and childhood cancer. Indian Journal of Paediarics. 30(5): 651-7.

Mossberg et al. (2010) HAMLET Interacts with Lipid Membranes and Perturbs Their Structure and Integrity. PLoS ONE. 5(2).

Sasieni PD, Shelton J, Ormiston-Smith NJ, Thomson CS, Silcocks PB. (2011) What is the lifetime risk of developing cancer? The effect of adjusting for multiple primaries.