Respecting Stanley

Mutual respect is not something you hear much about when you have a new baby.  But of late I have thought increasingly about whether the parenting techniques we use widely in Western society create a mutual respect between parent and child.  It never crossed my mind in the first couple of years but as Stanley is growing up and beginning to assert himself, ensuring I am respecting his opinions and views is becoming more important to me as his mother.

From birth Stanleys needs were met as instantly as possible; whether it was to feed, to sleep (or not!), to cuddle, to play.  This route felt most comfortable to me, following my maternal instinct in meeting my babies needs and providing comfort before he barely 'asked'.  However, this seems to get more complicated as your baby turns into a little person, with their own mind, views and opinions.

There is a pressure in society to get your child to conform; especially in public situations.  Unfortunately we live in a judgmental society where a toddlers temper tantrums will generally be met with rolling eyes, tutting and general disdain.  In all honesty I do find these situations quite hard, but every single time it has happened I can look back with hindsight and see I did not empathise with Stanleys feelings and frustrations enough, which in turn exacerbated the whole episode.  But the pressure of it being a social situation I believe affects my ability to think as I would normally, presumably because, very sadly I am too busy worrying about what other people are thinking.  I am however learning, like we all are, and take on board past experiences to become a better mother, for at the end of the day Stanleys well-being far outweighs what a stranger thinks of my parenting or my son.

I think in general I do try to empathise and take account of Stanleys views fairly well on a general basis.  I try not to manipulate him into doing things too regularly (although sometimes this is unavoidable), while letting him play freely and explore without too much input from myself.   I personally find it extremely hard when I hear about children being forced into situations, for instance, not leaving the table until they have eaten all their dinner.  A child Stanleys age has his own mind, and I feel situations such as this disrespects the child completely.  As an adult some days I may not eat so much and there are foods I dislike and do not eat;  I would feel very angry and upset if someone forced me to sit down and eat, and I fail to see how a toddler or young child is any different.  I believe as parents it is of utmost importance to respect Stanley.  For if he does not get respect from the people he is closest to - his mother and father, how is he ever going to learn he himself is worthy of respect from others and his views and opinions are valued?

Of course there are times when Stanleys wishes are secondary to a safety aspect.  For instance taking his arms out of his car seat straps is a current issue; but taking on-board and understanding his 'discomfort' in the seat, explaining why he has to wear a seat belt and distracting him from it seems to be best way of dealing with it for now. 

I do not want to be a dictator in Stanleys life, I would much rather be a guide he knew was always there and felt he could call upon when needed.  I want him to learn from me, feel worthy of expressing his opinions and make decisions by himself in time; and my hope is by respecting his feelings and empathising with him now, it may just help. 

I'll end this piece with a wonderful quote by Jonas Salk (1914-95) - an American Medical reseacher - "Good parents give their children Roots and Wings. Roots to know where home is and wings to fly away and exercise what's been taught to them." They sound like wise words to me.

"Rod for your own back"

How many times do we, as mothers, get told we are creating a "rod for your own back" from "helpful" friends and acquaintances?

Everybody is an expert when it comes to parenting, and many cannot help themselves but to "share their knowledge"......and I put my hands up, if I meet a mother who is breastfeeding her baby, I do go all out to tell her what a wonderful thing she is doing, and give what I think is helpful advice if asked!

It has got me thinking though, has Stanley become this "rod" that everyone talks about?  The short answer is 'No'.  Perhaps, had I not made the decision to bed-share, or extended breastfeed I may be unhappy with the situation, but the truth is these decisions make life very easy indeed.  For instance Stanley fell asleep last night in what must be a world record for him, 90 seconds! This was 90 seconds of breastfeeding before he unlatched and fell asleep.  He never fights his sleep at bedtime, he is more than happy to head upstairs, clean his toothy pegs, read a short story and snuggle up with Mummy and comforting breast milk, then drift very peacefully off to sleep.  Bedtime in our house really is lovely, however, without a quick breastfeed I have no idea how bedtimes would change.  I think those days  may not be too far away, but I am in no rush for this to change; for like everything else it will be a natural transition. 

Parental expectation, I believe, plays a huge part in how we perceive our children.  At no point in time have I expected Stanley to be weaned, or "sleeping-through" in his own bed at a certain age, so there is no disappointment on my part that we haven't reached this stage.  I know it will come in time, but of course to those outside looking in on my life, many would still perceive Stanley to be this "rod" for my back.  Ultimately though I know the benefits to Stanley in choosing to "still" provide him with comfort at my breast and the luxury of sharing the family-bed, and that is enough for me.

"When are you having another one then?"

I get asked this question on a weekly basis.  I do not mind being asked, in fact, I think it is good to think about it, and it has got me thinking.....when is the right time to have another baby?

There is no doubt that over the last few weeks I am noticeably more broody.  I am unsure if this is simply a change in me, or the secondary effects of Stanleys (who is now 34 months old) reduced breastfeeding; thus a hormonal driven change.

We have been thinking about the logistics of having another baby for a while.  For instance, should we have another baby when Stanley is at Pre-School, or wait until he goes to School when he is 5 years old?  When I go back to work having had a second baby how on earth do you drop your children off in two different places and manage to get to work yourself?  The main reason I find it so difficult to make a decision is that ultimately I want what is best for Stanley.  I would like a new baby in the family to be as small a disruption as possible to him, for I am acutely aware family dynamics will change irreversibly.  I have tried my utmost in the last 34 months to be as gentle and 'Stanley-led' as possible in my parenting, hence making natural decisions such as bed-sharing and extended breastfeeding.  My hope is that another sibling does not arrive until Stanley is old enough to have an understanding of the change, thus being able to deal with it better in himself.   I think it is safe to say when we choose to have another baby it, as Stanley, will be breastfed on demand and will bed-share from the very beginning.  Therefore with a small age gap between children my on-going concern is that this new arrival will rock Stanleys little world negatively, making him feel insecure and jealous, hence since Stanley was born I have always leaned towards a 3.5 year plus age gap.

From what I have read (which is purely opinion, rather than fact) it seems jealousy of a new siblings peaks between 18-36 months.  So having a baby at this time I think would mean a lot of extra pressure on Mum and Dad to make the change as gentle as possible on the older child, as well as finding time to bond and meet the needs of the newborn.  Stanley will be 3 years old in just a couple of months and being honest I think I would have, and probably still would at the moment, find it difficult to parent him in the way I have done and that he has become accustomed too, as well as finding time to spend nurturing my newborn.  Stanley has been known to throw quite dramatic tantrums, and not infrequently, so it has crossed my mind when one of these is happening, how on earth I would manage to keep a level head whilst trying to gently calm him down and tend to a baby?  I feel it would have been an injustice to Stanley to have had a new baby in the last year or so, I really don't believe he would have had the attention he deserves, however of course had it happened there is no doubt he would have adjusted to the change, just as I would have done.

Due to the fact I am definitely coming around to the idea of having a new baby I found it so interesting to read about the 'natural child spacing' that occurs in tribes who have no formal 'family planning', but rely solely on the contraceptive effects of breastfeeding.  In Western society it is no longer possible to rely on breastfeeding as a contraceptive past say the first 6 months; and this is only when you are feeding your baby on demand (day and night) and not supplementing the baby at all with any other milk, or water.  Once you start giving foods, or drinks, or supplement with formula, the contraceptive effect diminishes.  The pressure on mothers to wean their children from the breast is immense.  In reality you can carry on breastfeeding past 6 months and still go back to work, but in the UK this is not considered the norm.  The fact that we, as mothers, go back to work will mean a feeding schedule of some sort is enforced.  Stanley without doubt went without milk when I went back to work, I did 4-5 hour shifts, either morning or afternoon, and he did miss a feed or two in this time.  However he had the luxury of breastfeeding at night so could make up for these missed feeds, a process known as 'reverse cycling'.

So going back to these tribes and the main reason for this post, 'natural child spacing'.  One tribe called the !Kung San, hunter-gatherers in North-Western Botswana have been studied quite extensively.  Konner (1978)  noted that most children weaned after 3 years old, and at this age children woke once a night to nurse (as Stanley does).  Now the difference is that these !Kung tribe children nurse frequently, but briefly throughout the day up until the age of 3 (minimum), thus the contraceptive effect of breastfeeding is prolonged.  Wickes (1953) survey found 'natural birth spacing' for the !Kung tribe is very long because of this with an average of a 44 months (3 years 8 months) between siblings. This is not the only tribe where this has been noted, Kippley (1989) found the Gainj tribe of Papua New Guinea will feed their children on demand, and like the !Kung tribe, very frequently, up to 48 feeds in 24 hours.  This is an absolute world away from Western feeding schedules, where there is a focus upon leaving as much time as possible between feeds, both day and night.  I think it may be wise to question why we need all this time between feeds, who says it is actually for the best? (other than some parenting guru's) - it is certainly not best if we want the contraceptive effect of breasteeding.

Ultimately I feel it is instinctual and very natural to reach the point where you want another baby, and this feeling within me is no doubt getting stronger.  Deciding to have another baby is such a personal decision and of course writing a list of the pro's and con's is helpful, but ultimately not the be all and end all in the decision making process.  Thinking about it logistically at the moment in terms of my family is beneficial to me, in that it is making me take on board the effects it will have on Stanley.  As parents we have to make decisions that are right for our families, and this will no be different in every family, for I have seen very happy children with very short child spacing, and conversely with long spacing. 

Thank you for reading this piece, writing this has been so beneficial to me for the findings appear to back up my instinct that for my family, a bigger gap will hopefully be best for Stanley, and my family as a whole.

References.

Kippley S (1989). Breastfeeding and Natural Child Spacing. New York: Harper and Row.

Konner M (1978). Nursing Frequency and Birth Spacing in !Kung hunter-gathers. IPPF Med Bull. April 15(2): 1-3.

Wickes IG (1953). A History of Infant Feeding. Archives of Diseases in Childhood.

Breast Milk and Cancer.

Over the last two years I have read bits and pieces about breast milk and its links to lower cancer rates for both mum and baby, and more recently a study about breast milk shrinking cancerous bladder tumours.  So this piece discusses this research, and specifically the benefits breastfeeding brings to both mother and baby.

Breast cancer is the most common of all female cancers in the UK, with breast cancer accounting for 31% of all cancers in women.  What this means is that 1 in 8 women will get breast cancer at some point in their life (Sasieni 2011).  This is a scary statistic.  What I have discovered from reading up on this is that we can halve our daughters risk of getting breast cancer in two ways.  By breastfeeding our daughters, it will decrease the likelihood of them getting breast cancer in future, and their risk is reduced again if they themselves choose to breastfeed their own children (which is of course more likely if they as infants were breastfed).  Freudenheim et al. (1994) and Barba et al. (2005) research found women who were breastfed, even if only for a short period have a 25% lower risk of developing breast cancer in comparison with those who were formula fed.  The Collaborative Group on Hormonal Factors in Breast Cancer (2002) study found that a womans risk of breast cancer is reduced by 4.1% for every 12 months she breastfeeds her children.  So breastfeeding your baby protects and lessens the risk of breast cancer for you and your baby.  An interesting question which could be raised having read this is, as breast cancer rates have increased over the last few decades, could it be in part because less women have chosen to breastfeed, thus women have missed out on the beneficial protective effects?  I am not saying it rids the risk of breast cancer, but research suggests it could well halve the risk of getting breast cancer from 1 in 8,  to 1 in 16 (Dettwyler 1995). Breastfeeding has also been found to reduce the risk of Ovarian, Endometrial and Uterine cancer in breastfeeding mothers, as well as rates of Osteoporosis and Rheumatoid Arthritis.

Breastfeeding is also being researched in terms of its protective effects against childhood cancers. Mathur et al. (1993) study found that breastfeeding has a protective element against childhood cancers. They found that this protective element is stronger in those who have been exclusively breastfed.  This research which was based in India concluded that the lower rates of childhood cancers in India could possibly be down to the higher rates of breastfeeding in India and the protective immunological effect this has.  Martin et al. (2005) research also suggests breastfeeding does have a protective effect as regards childhood cancers, albeit small, but worthwhile all the same.

The most recent piece of breast milk research as regards cancer really took me by surprise.  As you know I have always been very pro-breastfeeding, and think the benefits my son is getting from breast milk are fantastic, but the research that has found breast milk 'kills' cancer cells really astonished me.  It really highlights how little we know about breast milk.  Mossberg et al. (2010) studied HAMLET (Human Alpha-lactalbumin Made LEthal to Tumor cells).  Alpha-lactalbumin is the primary protein in human breast milk and to simplify the process it has been found to induce cancer cell death, whilst preserving the healthy cells.  This was found in human trials where it was found to 'kill' bladder cancer by injecting it into the cancer cells; whilst under labratory conditions has been found to 'kill' over 40 different types of cancer.

Breastfeeding helps protect you from cancer in the future, as well as possibly protecting your children from cancers as they grow.  Breast milk is such an undervalued and undiscovered entity, the fact it has been found to induce cancer cell death only in the last year, simply highlights how amazing breast milk is.



References.

Barba M et al. (2005) Premenopausal women who were heavier than average at birth or had not been breastfed as infants appear to be at increased risk for developing breast cancer. Reported at the American Association for Cancer Research - Annual meeting in Anaheim CA. 

Collaborative Group on Hormonal Factors in Breast Cancer. (2002) Breast Cancer and breastfeeding: collaborative reanalysis of individual data from 47 epidemiological studies in 30 countries including 50302 women with breast cancer and 96973 women without the disease. Lancet. 360(9328): 187-95.

Dettwyler, K (1995) http://www.kathydettwyler.org/detcancer.html - accessed 05/07/2011.

Freudenheim J et al. (1994) Exposure to breast milk in infancy and the risk of breast cancer. Epidemiology. 5: 324-31.

Marin RM, Gunnell D, Owen CG, Smith GD. (2005) Breastfeeding and Childhood Cancer: A systematic review with meta-analysis. International Journal of Cancer. 117(6): 1020-31.

Mathur GP, Gupta N, Mathur S, Gupta V, Pradhan S et al. (1993) Breastfeeding and childhood cancer. Indian Journal of Paediarics. 30(5): 651-7.

Mossberg et al. (2010) HAMLET Interacts with Lipid Membranes and Perturbs Their Structure and Integrity. PLoS ONE. 5(2).

Sasieni PD, Shelton J, Ormiston-Smith NJ, Thomson CS, Silcocks PB. (2011) What is the lifetime risk of developing cancer? The effect of adjusting for multiple primaries.

The 'Family Bed'.

Of all the things I post about co-sleeping seems to raise most interest with others.  Let's start with the basics, the terms: 'co-sleeping', 'bed-sharing', 'sleep-sharing' and the 'family bed' all mean sleeping in close proximity to your baby - either next to you with the baby on a separate sleeping surface, or in bed with you.  Current Department of Health guidelines state babies should sleep in the bedroom with its mother for the first 6 months, this is known as 'room-sharing'.  This is a step put in place to help prevent SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome).

Sharing your bed with your baby is the most natural way to sleep when you have a baby.  We as humans are mammals, and it is important to bear in mind that no other mammal will separate itself from its young to go to sleep.  Up until the 19th Century co-sleeping was the norm in the UK, it was only after this that people starting placing their babies in cribs, and distancing themselves from their young at night.  Of course there is also a cultural aspect to sleep-sharing; Young (1998) found co-sleeping to be a cultural norm for 90% of the worlds population.  Bharti (2006) suggested 93% of children aged 3-10 years old will bed-share in India, and in 1966 research by Caudill and Plath found age 11 to be the average age children make the transition away from the family bed in Japan. I think this information really puts placing our children in cots to sleep into perspective; it is in fact a very recent, Western phenomenon. 

Safe 'co-sleeping' and 'bed-sharing' have been found in many studies to reduce rates of SIDS, contrary of popular belief.  Dr. James J McKenna is the professor of Anthropology at the University of Notre Dame has researched mother-baby relationships and sleep for over 25 years.  His finding suggest that if done safely cosleeping is in fact best for mother and child, and does reduce SIDS rates.  Co-sleeping rates in Japan have always been higher than in Western society.  They generally sleep together on low futons and bed-share with their babies.  Japans bed-sharing rates are increasing whilst the countries SIDS rate is decreasing; this is not a coincidence.  Other factors reducing the Japanese SIDS rates are the virtually non-existant maternal smoking rate, and that approximately 75% of mothers will exclusively breastfeed (McKenna 2007).  Another startling piece of research on SIDS rates was performed by Grether et al (1990), they studied Asian immigrant sub-groups in the USA, whose SIDS rates would be very low in their country of origin.  The results show that as these groups have adopted the American lifestyle overtime, and put their children in cots at night for longer periods of time, the SIDS rates for these ethnic groups have now risen to match the rest of the population in the USA.  So the above studies prove that whilst it is natural, and in most other parts of the world actually normal to bed-share, it is also safer for a breastfed baby.  By sharing a bed you and your baby fall in sync with each other; amazingly your presence regulates your babies heartbeat, breathing and body temperature. 

Bed-sharing with a formula fed baby is different from a baby who is breastfed.  This is due to the hormonal changes the mother experiences when breastfeeding.  These hormones affect maternal behaviour, which was proven in a recent neurological comparison study on breastfeeding and formula mothers brains by Kim et al (2011).  In terms of co-sleeping this means that breastfeeding mothers will be more aware innately aware of the babies presence and as such be more responsive.  The two important hormones are Oxytocin and Prolactin.  Oxytocin is also known as 'the love hormone' for it has a strong role in maternal bonding, thus backing up the findings the above study; whilst Prolactin is the lactation hormone.  Prolactin levels are highest overnight, therefore mother who co-sleeps will tend to have a more plentiful milk supply than one who does not.  A formula feeding mother will have decreased levels of these both of these hormones, which will impact upon how responsive they are to the babies cues at night when bed-sharing, and also will mean the mother will enter the deeper stages of sleep that breastfeeding mothers do not.  These factors increase the risk to the baby if a formula feeding mother chooses to co-sleep or bed-share.  As a mother, irrelevant of feeding method, it is your responsibility to weigh up the benefits and risks and make an informed decision.

In terms of the practicalities of co-sleeping and bed-sharing, there are a few issues to consider.  In terms of safety it is very important to think about your bedding.  With a small baby of under a year old you need to be careful with duvets and pillows.  These are heavy and a young baby will not have the strength to kick it off, so it is wise to use layers like sheets and blankets instead of a duvet, whilst keeping pillows away from your baby.  It has become very popular to use 'gro-bags' for children, like sleeping bags, but this is not wise when co-sleeping.  By sleep-sharing with your baby you will regulate your babies temperature, so extra layers like this are unnecessary.  Once the baby starts moving and rolling it is obviously wise to buy a bed guard, and one of my best parenting buys in fact was a soft foam wedge from eBay that stops the baby rolling out the bed, all without a cot type bar in site (I have become quite anti-cot over time, it makes me think of a caged animal, and I can't help thinking limbs are liable to get trapped).  Finally there are a few absolute no-no's in co-sleeping.  Parents should not bed-share or co-sleep if either partner smoke, breathing out second hand smoke in close proximity increases the risk of SIDS significantly.  Also the use of recreational drugs and alcohol will affect how deep the parent falls asleep thus making them less responsive to the baby, again increasing the risk of SIDS. 

As a breastfeeding mother who chose to bed-share initially to get more sleep, I can see how important it is to master the skill of breastfeeding a baby lying down.  Sears (1995) research found that in the early days where night-feeds are routine (and of course normal), breastfeeding and bed-sharing mothers slept for longer at night than any other group.  It is a skill, and in some cases will take a while to master, presumably because the horizontal positioning will alter the babies latch, but it really is worth persevering with.  Breastfed babies who share your bed rarely wake in the night, because when they start stirring they quickly find the breast and fall back to sleep, barely even waking the mother during the process.

I made the decision to co-sleep naturally, it just felt right, and to be honest there was little consultation with my husband, as he tended to be asleep for the night-feeds anyway.  I think he had justifiable concerns once it became apparent we were bed-sharing full time.  Fathers in general are not as responsive to a baby in the bed as the mother (referring back to the maternal hormones) so in the early days it is important that the baby sleeps on the mothers side, after approximately 6-12 months this becomes much less of an issue.  My husband quite often wakes up with Stanley draped across him nowadays!  I think waking up next to your smiling baby, hearing all the little night-time chuckles, and of late the 'sleep talking' makes it so worth it.  Our bed is a 'family bed' - mother, father and child. Normal and natural.  Of course whenever I speak to people about this arrangement the topic that is bought up most is when do my husband and I get "time together".  I think you just have to be open minded about where you have that time together....I do not remember reading anything after I got married about how that time has to be spent in the marital bed!

So all in all it is fair to say we inadvertently fell into co-sleeping.  My maternal instinct influenced the decision and it was became convenient for all the family - a mother who gets more sleep, a baby that barely wakes to feed, and a father who sleeps through the night.  No adult chooses to sleep alone if they have the option to share sleep with the people they love most, and I fail to see how this should be any different for a child.  As it turns out, after researching co-sleeping for some time there are many more benefits to bed-sharing than I have mentioned in this blog, for instance a time to reconnect and bond when parents work throughout the day.  Research also suggests children of bed-sharers thrive emotionally, physically and intellectually, and go on to have strong bonds with their parents well into the future, Sears (2011).   And these factors are enough to keep us bed-sharing until maternal instinct and Stanley suggests otherwise.

Thank you for taking the time to read this blog, and I'll post again soon.

References. 

Bharti B. (2006) Patterns and problems of sleep in school going children Indian Pediatr. Jan; 43(1):35–8


Caudill W, Plath DW. (1966) Who Sleeps by Whom? Parent-Child Involvement in Urban Japanese Families. Psychiatry 29: 344–366.

Grether JK, Schulman J, Croen LA. (1990) Sudden infant death syndrome among Asians in California. The Journal of Pediatrics. 116 (4) 525-8.

Kim P, Feldman R, Mayes LC, Eicher V, Thompson N, Leckman JF, Swain JE. (2011) Breastfeeding, brain activation to own infant cry, and maternal sensitivity. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry.

McKenna J (2007). Sleeping With Your Baby: A Parents Guide To Cosleeping. Platypus Press.

Sears, W. (1995). SIDS: A parent's guide to understanding and preventing Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Boston: Little, Brown, and Company.

Sears, W. (2011) http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/sleep-problems/co-sleeping-yes-no-sometimes [accessed 24/06/2011]

 Young, J. (1998). Babies and bedsharing. Midwifery Digest. 8. 364-369.

Why Do I Post About Parenting?

I have been doing a lot of thinking over the past few days about why I have become so outspoken in how we have chosen to bring up Stanley.  I am aware that these posts are read by family members and friends, and am also aware that some people would probably rather I did not do this.  I think it's possible family members may find my posts embarrassing.....yet still something in me drives me to share the interesting things I find.

It dawned of me last night the real reason as to why I am so outspoken about subjects, which I think it would be fair to say, are not the necessarily the norm in the UK.  I believe, rightly or wrongly, that if I do not discuss openly what I am doing and decisions I have made, I am quietly accepting that it is 'wrong' or 'abnormal', along with the thoughts of the majority in mainstream society.  I am not ashamed at all of what I am doing; breastfeeding a 33 month old may not be the norm in the UK, but it is certainly not wrong, and I refuse to hide it, to protect others feeling 'uncomfortable'.  The fact that breastfeeding past 6 months in the UK is so uncommon is an issue with the society we live in; so it is no wonder women feel pressurised to wean their children.  The World Health Organisation recommend breastfeeding to a minimum of 2 years old; and any breastfeeding mother whose child has reached their 2nd birthday know that actually there are few reasons to stop at that milestone that are in the childs best interests.  In reality I feel really proud that Stanley and I have come this far in our breastfeeding relationship, in the first week or so I did not think we would manage it at all; and of course now he is older he feeds less and less, and one day, he will wean.  When that day comes I know it will be bittersweet, but I will be so happy that Stanley has been fortunate enough to receive the benefits of breast-milk for so long, and that I had not pressured him to wean sooner than he was ready because society states it's not 'normal'.

I stand by the fact that by writing this blog and posting on Facebook it may educate others and help people feel more confident in following their own maternal instincts, but irrelevent of this fact I think to stop posting now would be me accepting I should conform with society and that I should be ashamed of breastfeeding and co-sleeping a child of Stanleys age; and that just isn't going to happen!

Thanks for reading, hope to update again soon!

Parenting Decisions & Friendships.

Becoming a parent is the most life changing thing that will happen to you.  One day life is simple, it is all about you, no-one dependant on you, it is a fairly worry-free existence.  Then you become a mother and all your focus is aimed upon protecting and nurturing your beautiful baby.  From that day on life is never the same.

Becoming a parent changes you irreversibly, or it did me anyway.  What I did not realise at the time was 'how' you parent your child will change your relationship with others, and 'how' you parent will impact upon how others will treat you.

I think it is fair to say that I am an outspoken individual and over the last few weeks have discovered that my posting on Facebook about the things that interest me most, for instance breastfeeding, has caused friction among people I know.  Why do the decisions we make in bringing up our children cause such a stir with other people?  Everyone who knows me well knows that since having Stanley I have found a passion in motherhood.  I may not be mainstream in my decisions, which perhaps is what drives me to 'share' interesting things I find - to let others know if your maternal instinct takes you down this route too, then it's okay.  Good friends will also know that I am not judging other people when they do things differently.  Ultimately this would leave me with a very limited number of friends, and the last thing I intend to do is offend people with anything I post.

The majority of the friends I have are ones I went to school with.  Many of these have had children themselves and although we have all made different decisions in the parenting of our children, remain good friends.  They may well not agree or understand the decisions I have made to co-sleep or breastfeed for this 'extended' period; just as they have made decisions I may not necessarily choose.  But there is no judgement.  We are all good parents finding our own way with mutual respect for each other which has developed over time.

This is not to say that parenting decisions have no impact upon friendships.  For instance, finding a friend who shares your parenting ideals (whether it be mainstream or otherwise) is very comforting.  I know this first hand.  It has been utterly heartwarming to have recently met a friend who is very much similar to me in terms of the decisions we have made as parents.  The fact that we have this in common is central to our friendship, at the beginning when you know little about each other, it is what binds you together. 

So why does me posting cause rifts with not necessarily close friends, but say acquaintances? Is it because they think I am judging the parenting decisions they themselves made?  Do they take my posts as a personal insult?  If either of these are true I feel saddened, as this is not the aim in my posts, and I hope they never come across as such.  My posts are simply highlighting the things I have chosen to do, they should not be taken as what I think everybody should do, just opening other peoples eyes to less mainstream options.

I do understand of course that the issues I post about will provoke people. Subjects such as breastfeeding is something I could talk for hours about (as my husband knows!), and I feel quite sure a lot of people feel the same, no matter their stance on the subject.  I do feel cautious when posting about breastfeeding as there will always be the women who tried, and didn't manage to breastfeed past the first few, most difficult weeks.  For them especially this is a sensitive subject, and I in no way mean to belittle that.  However in my mind they should not feel guilty.  They gave it their best shot, and in all likelihood, it was not them who failed, but the system.  Women who give birth and want to breastfeed know very little other than the NHS message 'Breast Is Best'.  They (this included me prior to having Stanley) are usually unaware of the common problems most mums encounter in the first few days and weeks, and unaware of the reality of how often a newborn breastfed baby will feed (until the milk supply is well established), unless they have done this research themselves.  So when their baby is born, their milk hasn't come in yet, the babies crying and 'well-meaning' family and friends are advising to give the baby a bottle of formula, you can understand how so many give up so soon.  But I reiterate this is not the failing of a mother, but the whole pre-natal breastfeeding education and post natal support system.  I mean why on earth are National Childbirth Trust and La Leche League 24 hour breastfeeding telephone numbers not given to all new mothers when they have their baby?  And why do so few Midwives and Health Visitors specialise in breastfeeding, surely this should be central to the role?

I question why any mother would have an issue with my posts if they have made the decision to feed their baby artificial milk from day one.  Recent figures show that approximately 25% of women will do this.  I of course do not understand why they would make this decision, but feel as they themselves made this decision, they should be least bothered by my posting.  Presumably they knew all the facts and made an informed decision to feed their babies artificial milk?  If not, then maybe they will learn something and know for next time?  Alot of parenting is about learning from your mistakes, with your first baby you have never done this before, so of course we all do things at times that with hindsight we would change.

The question is should I stop posting?  Stop talking about these things that interest me most, for fear of offending people?  My posts appear to be drawing people in, as well as pushing people away.  I love the fact people reading my posts are people from all walks of life, and not all mothers yet, I find it absolutely fantastic.  Reading things like this before your baby is born, will hopefully give you greater inner confidence when you do become a mother.  But then some people read them, presumably take it as a personal attack on their parenting, and you know that whatever "friendship" we had, my posting has severed.  Realistically not everyone is going to like what I have written (and will write in future), and if people feel personally judged by what I have written I am sorry for this is not my aim.  But at the end of the day I, like anybody, want supportive people around me - irrelevant of what parenting path we choose to raise our children, and from that point of view, I do not feel like I have lost anything at all.