Breastfeeding Support Contacts - Local (Swindon) & National (UK).

I thought I would write a quick blog post aimed at new parents with the details of National and Local (to Swindon) Breastfeeding Support.

I believe that mothers need to be supported in breastfeeding, and in a lot of cases it is an uphill struggle to begin with, but by seeking support from trained knowledgable individuals I hope you can go on to have a wonderfully successful breastfeeding relationship with your child too.

National Support Telephone Helplines.

• National Breastfeeding Helpline:
  Tel 0300 100 0212

• National Childbirth Trust (NCT) Breastfeeding Line (Open 8.00am – 10.00pm):
  Tel 0300 330 0771

• La Leche League (24 hour helpline):
  Tel 0845 120 2918

• The Association of Breastfeeding Mothers (Open 9.30am – 10.30pm):
  Tel 0844 412 2949

• Breastfeeding Network (BfN) and Supporters Line (Open 9.30am – 9.30pm):
  Tel 0300 1000210

Local Support available in Swindon.

Swindon Breastmates is jointly run by mothers (peer supporters), breastfeeding counsellors, midwives, health visitors, nursery nurses and staff in Children’s centres all across Swindon and the surrounding villages.
It provides mothers with a place to meet others with babies at the same time as encouraging and sharing their breastfeeding experiences.  It is a well known fact that 'talking to other women who are breastfeeding or have breastfed can often be a great support. You can learn what to expect and what is and is not normal.’

Swindon Extended Breastfeeding Support is a new Facebook based group for Swindon mothers, who hope to meet up at least monthly in the near future.  It is a group aimed at mothers who are, or hope to breastfeed their children past 12 months.

Local Telephone Breastfeeding Support

• Community Midwives Office (Open 9.00am – 9.45am) For up to 28 days after birth Tel: 01793 604814 -17 or 605576 

• Community Midwife bleep holder (Available 8.30am-5.00pm) Tel: 01793 604020 (ask operator for community midwife bleep holder)

• Great Western Hospital Maternity bleep holder (24 hours) Tel: 01793 604020 (ask operator for maternity bleep holder) 

•  Health Visiting Team - SureStart Breastfeeding Support (9.00am – 4.30pm Monday to Friday) Tel: 01793 705091

Useful Breastfeeding Websites.

www.nct.org.uk

www.realbabymilk.org

www.abm.me.uk

www.breastfeedingnetwork.org.uk

www.unicef.org.uk/babyfriendly

www.realbabymilk.org/swindon

www.laleche.org.uk

www.biologicalnurturing.com

www.kellymom.com

http://www.nhs.uk/planners/breastfeeding/pages/breastfeeding.aspx

http://www.nhs.uk/start4life/pages/welcome-to-start4life.aspx

Dealing with Challenging Behaviour.

When our children are small babies, decision making is very simple.  It is responsive - you feed, you comfort, you meet your babies needs as quickly as you can.  Obviously it can take a while to work out what your baby wants, for a newborns communication skills are somewhat limited to small physical gestures and cues, followed by grizzling and crying.  I never found the early days too stressful in terms of meeting Stanley's needs and do not really remember seriously questioning my ability as a parent and whether the decisions I was making were the right ones.

As Stanley got older and started to communicate more effectively I have found myself questioning my parental decisions more and more.  I am sure this is a completely natural and normal step for any parent who is trying to make conscientious decisions for the family, but of course because we have chosen an 'alternative' route - with the bed-sharing and extended feeding, there has at times been an element of doubt in my mind when Stanley's actions and behaviour is the polar opposite of what 'Attached Parenting' is trying to create.

For the few of months I have found some of Stanley's behaviour quite challenging and it has tested my parenting, in terms of remaining calm and gentle.  I was thinking about whether it was possibly linked to the transition into his own room which remains a positive step with Stanley regularly sleeping 8 hour stretches before I join him (I think he is all 'big-bedded' out!) but I really do not believe it is related, for the transition into his own room has been so peaceful, and the behaviour started a few weeks before the move.

The challenging behaviour I have been struggling with has been 'hitting' and 'pushing' other children.  I was absolutely mortified.  This is not behaviour that Stanley has seen from friends or family, and to be honest not something I was prepared for at all.  Both my mother and mother-in-law said it was 'just a phase' (and it appears they were right!) but I was very worried, and of course the first thing you think is, 'is it because of my parenting'?

Stanley's behaviour in turn led me to have to deal with three things; Stanley doing this to other children, dealing with my own issues with why it would happen - when all I have done thus far should have prevented this (or so I naively thought!), and how best to deal with it.

The hitting and pushing mostly happened in play parks and soft play centres (in the summer holidays I should add!) where adrenaline appeared to be running quite high among all the children.  In all the situations there was an action before (but not necessarily an aggressive one) from another child which provoked Stanley to lash out.  I have concluded that in these situations with lots of other children, Stanley has little to no patience; which admittedly isn't ideal, but probably just part and parcel of being 36 months old.  So I made the decision to stop attending soft play for a few weeks until this phase has completely passed.  The way I found best to deal with the behaviour after seeing it was to stop Stanley playing and talk about why we should not hit and push - how it hurts other children, and ultimately at outdoor play parks completely remove him from the park.

Now this in itself caused me to have a small, but significant, crisis of confidence.  If you have read Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn, removing Stanley from the play park would be seen a punishment.  Kohn is anti punishment and rewards in young children, and the book makes a lot of sense and I would recommend it, but I was going against the advice of one of the books which I have sought advice from in the past.  However I am not going to follow advice from any book if it contradicts my maternal instinct - this is what I have followed from day one, and believe instinct to be a very important aspect of parenting.  Talking to Stanley and leaving a play park to me was the correct decision when he had upset a little girl.  There was no way in my mind I could let him run off and play again when she was still upset.  I do not believe that leaving the park means I do not love Stanley unconditionally.  But perhaps that is because I have read the book and told Stanley I loved him at the time, but it was the hitting that was the problem.  I do not believe we should ever tell our children that they are 'bad' or 'naughty' - it is not them, it is their behaviour.   Although I will admit I do have to remind myself of this, for it is very easy for these things to roll off the tongue without really thinking. 

So my little boy Stanley is not the saintly calm child 100% of the time, that I naively thought my parenting techniques would create.  But had I not been so gentle with him, not bed-shared and not extended breastfed him, I think life would be more difficult now.  I truly believe that these things have created a trust and bond between us, and without the strong attachment with me, his behaviour would be even more challenging and he would in all likelihood be less responsive to my 'post-pushing other children' talks.

I know Stanley, like any little boy his age, is going through a change - he is experimenting with life.  I feel ever so proud of him, he is learning all the time and just like everything else, the hitting and pushing other children is a learning curve that I hope have helped guide him through.

My little boys, big bed.

My little Stanley is nearly 3, it is just one week until his Birthday.  In his whole life we have not spent a night apart.  It has been perfect, and in my opinion, absolutely the best thing for both him and us.  He has had unlimited access to breast milk and cuddles, it has been excellent for bonding and I at the same time have been able to get a good nights sleep, without proper wake ups.  I am the biggest advocate for safe bed-sharing.

I had always planned for Stanley to have his own proper bedroom, and of course before he was born his 'nursery' was set up like any other babies' with a cot taking centre stage in the newly decorated room.  This was of course what society expects you to do when you have a baby, I had not opened my eye's to other options of where a baby sleeps.  I have my mother, father and husband to thank (as well as choosing to follow my own maternal instinct), for without their support I may not have fallen into bed-sharing quite so quickly and happily.  I will admit the cot did get some use; it became very good storage for clothes and nappies.  I will also add that Stanley never actually slept in his cot, well apart from one 20 minute afternoon nap!  It has dawned on me that I have a real dislike for cots, I think it's down to the bars.  I hate the thought of a baby behind these bars, and I fail to see how limbs do not get trapped in them on a regular basis.

I had it in the back of my mind for a while that we would get Stanley a proper 'big bed' of his own around his 3rd birthday.  Instinct lead me to believe that this would be a good time in terms of him having an understanding (and excitement) of having his own space and bed, as well as being aware that Mummy and Daddy were only a few metres away.  I feel acutely aware that newborns and small babies who wake up without their mum beside them do not realise where its mother is, and will automatically cry, assuming it has been abandoned.  This is just the nature of being a mammal with primal instincts.

So it happened that we found a bed that would be perfect for Stanleys room a few weeks ago, and we set it up with his own Toy Story bedding.  Stanley did not seem worried at all that he wouldn't be in the big bed with us, as we talked about falling asleep in his new bed.  Had he at any point been upset by the process we would have happily delayed it, for Stanley's well-being is of the utmost importance.

Stanley jumping on his own 'big bed' for the first time!

The first night Stanley fell asleep in his own bed was 20th August 2011.  He made no fuss about falling asleep that night and it was made quite clear that Mummy and Daddy were not far away and he was welcome in the big bed, that night, and every other night to follow.  And this remains to be true, I believe Chris & I will always have an 'open door policy' when it comes to our children (hopefully, one day, there will be more little Hamblings) in our big bed. 

So Stanley has gone to sleep in his bed for the last 11 nights.  We have led together on his bed, read some bedtime stories, and he has fallen asleep whilst having cuddles and breast milk.  He has woken up nightly (and interestingly later at night than he normally would have when he was in our bed).  I hear "mine Mummy" being called, and I take that as my call to go to his room to snuggle up next to him, feed him and drift back off to sleep.  I did initially intend to get out and go back to the big bed, but sleep comes all to easily; I blame those breastfeeding-sleepiness hormones!  What surprises me is that he calls for me, well calls "mine Mummy" (which I do find quite funny, I mean who else's Mummy does he expect to join him!?).  I imagined a sleepy little boy crawling into our bed, rather than a sleepy mummy heading to his bed to join him!

For any bed-sharers out there wondering when the best time to start the transition to a seperate bed would be, the answer has to be very simply when you are both ready.  Stanleys sleep/feed pattern has not altered much since he was 20 months old, when he went through a developmental leap of eating more during the day, and having longer stretches between feeds at night (apart from when teething).  This means in theory we could have bought him a bed and done this well over a year ago, physically he was possibly ready, but I believe emotionally both he and I were not ready for this shift.  This has been a time when following my maternal instinct has taken control and led the decision making process.

How did I feel the first few nights? In one word: Anxious.  It took me back to the very beginning when part of me would dread Stanley's next feed (we struggled establishing breastfeeding in the very early days).  I felt anxious that Stanley would be upset waking up to find me not there, I worried he would cry.  I am not surprised that Stanley sleeping seperately (at least for the beginning of the night) had this effect on me.  At night time for very close to 3 years I have never had to even think about how Stanley is, all I have had to do was open my eyes.  Obviously for me too this has been a big transition to and one that only now I am really adjusting to.  I have to say the nicest aspect of the process to me is that Stanley is not upset, he just calls for me, no tears.  Had there been any tears or upset I am 100% sure he would be back in our bed full-time and we would try again at a later date, when he is physically and emotionally ready.  It is early days but so far it has been a smooth, problem free transition, and I have found it definitely has it's benefits too!  One of the main reasons we decided to get Stanley his own bed was because we were disturbing him.  We are not particularly noisy when we get into bed, but hopping in and out of the en-suite, flushing the toilet, lights going on and off, and getting into bed was definitely making him stir prematurely from his slumber!  And I have to say I like the fact I can put my bedside light on without worrying and read my book before bed, I have missed that. 

I think that at the moment I am getting the best of both worlds; reading a good book before bed and middle of the night snuggles with my boy. 

Life is good; and as for the fate of the cot, well that is going on eBay, I think it is safe to say I will not be using one next time around either!

My little Stanley asleep in his own bed for the first time - 20th August 2011.

On Reflection.....

This is just a short reflective piece of writing about the little boy Stanley has become.  As you all know maternal instinct drove me to parent in the way that felt most comfortable to me.  It's been fairly easy ride in comparison to others, and I have gone out of my way not to make a big deal of the small things, and not compare Stanley to other children.  However when I look back, with hindsight I don't believe I was 100% sure I was doing what was best for Stanley (I was just following my maternal instinct), I mean how do you know you are going to create a happy, well-adjusted child at the end of it?  Especially when other peoples children act and seem different to your own.  My point is you don't know, you just have to do what feels best to you as their mother.  It would be so easy as a mother to turn your back on your own maternal instincts and take the well-meaning, but usually ill-informed advice from others.

I had a few concerns when Stanley was a toddler, not big ones, but I worried all the same that he was quite a 'clingy' toddler (I am sorry to use the term 'clingy' - I really dislike it now, and since then I have learnt it's a completely normal, and natural process of forming a strong attachment).  I was concerned I was creating a fearful, introverted, timid child.  And although I did not ever want to compare Stanley to others I found it difficult as friends toddlers did seem more advanced socially. 

With hindsight I really wish I not not spent a second on troubling myself with these thoughts.  I have fairly recently come to realise that Stanley is as gregarious and fearless as they come.  He is very confident and outgoing, happy to chatter and play with other children.  He is loving and sensitive, although prone to hugging other children he may not know very well!  I am so happy about the personality which is forming, it is great for him, I honestly would have felt like I had let him down had he been fearful and introverted.  Obviously an easy target of blame would have been the style of parenting I had chosen if that had been the case.

So now what I wonder is, would Stanley be the same little gregarious, fearless little boy without the bed-sharing, extended breastfeeding, or if he had been left to cry.  No one can answer this question.  But the studies suggest attachment parenting will increase a child's confidence, whilst leaving a child to cry on nightly basis to 'aid' sleep (what a joke, whose sleep is this meant to aid I wonder?) could well help create an insecure child.  This leaves me sure that of course 'nature' is important factor in the person Stanley will become, but I now think and see proof that attached parenting is also playing a very beneficial part in the journey too.

Rioting and Attachment.

Last week it was difficult to get away from the endless coverage of the London riots (and latterly other UK cities).  It shocked me to watch it, as I think it did most other people, and got me thinking about how these young people got to the point in their lives where this anti-social, destructive behaviour (to themselves and their community) is acceptable.  The young people committing these crimes were once babies, and then young children; they were not destined to do this.  I believe factors in their lives have shaped them, thus leading them up this path.  There is no doubt that ultimately they had a choice, no-one was forcing them to loot, but I believe other factors led them to see this as an appropriate way to act; whether it be linked to their family and upbringing, or important factors such as education, poverty and inequality.

On August 4th this year (just a day or so before the first riots) the BBC news website published an article called 'Parents should follow five-step approach'.  Chris Paterson who wrote the report states "the most important factor influencing a child's intellectual and social development was the quality of parenting and care they received."  Whilst Ms Teather, the Childrens Minister states "Raising greater awareness of the importance of high quality parenting skills and building strong family relationships for children in the foundation years and beyond is invaluable."  The  5-a day approach consists of reading with your child for 15 minutes, playing for 10 minutes, talking for 20 minutes with the TV turned off, giving you child a nutritious diet, and adopting a positive attitude towards your child, ie: praising them frequently.  This is good if people take note of this who are not giving their children the attention the deserve, but it made me think how many people raise their children with a negative attitude, and giving their children such little attention - this will no doubt have quite an impact on that childs future.  There is no doubt in my mind that the young people who took part in these riots were not generally from homes with a stable, positive home-life.  I believe that this along with the effects of high unemployment rates, poverty and inequality among this social group have helped create a generation of disempowered individuals.  I read a very interesting comment the other day, someone was wondering what the answers would be if they asked the youths involved with the riots what their best family memories were.  I think we all know what their answers would be - few and far between.

So what has all this got to do with Nurturing Stanley?  I started thinking about Attachment Parenting, which Stanley and I naturally fell into.  I honestly believe that if the parents of the rioters had followed the basics of this there would have been much less likelihood of the outcome we saw last weekend.  The aim of Attachment parenting is based upon the child forming strong 'secure attachments' with its primary caregivers.  This is not a new theory by any means, Psychologist John Bowlby was the first attachment theorist, describing attachment as a "lasting psychological connectedness between human beings". Bowlby believed that the earliest bonds formed by children with their caregivers have a tremendous impact that continues throughout life.  It is well known that a few of the long-term beneficial effects of having a secure attachment with your mother or primary caregiver include:-

• Positive self image and high self esteem - the positivity from the way the parent sees and treats the child in turn becomes the way the child sees and treats themselves.
• Autonomy and Determination (with good problem solving skills) - having a 'secure base' develops creativity and mastery, leading to a 'I can do this attitude' whilst knowing he can return for help at anytime.
• Holding a positive view of themselves and others - having a secure attachment generally leads to perceiving the world as a non-threatening place and having a positive view of others.
• Strong relationships - the constant of having a caring affectionate mother paves the way to building and maintaining both long term friendships and intimate relationships - trust, intimacy and positive expectations are second nature.
• Good coping mechanisms - Having hope, a positive outlook on life and good self esteem, along with the ability to reach out for support help securely attached children deal more effectively with emotional challenges, stress and trauma.

Of course like I said previously there will be other complexities in these young peoples lives which I may not even have considered, but creating a strong bond with our children is something we can all do if we put effort and time into our relationships.  It may well create a happier, better socially adapted young adult who has considerations for others and positive expectations for their own future; which sadly was definitely something lacking in those individuals who chose to riot last weekend. 

Thank you for taking the time to read this, your comments are welcome as always.

xx

"Hold my hand Mummy"

This is a photograph of Stanley holding my hand.  He is a month away from his third birthday, it is hard to believe how quick the last 35 months have passed.
This photo was taken during the drive home from a camping holiday in France.  We were sat in the back together watching Toy Story under a duvet, as comfy as you can be while strapped into car seats.  A few minutes into the film he looked at me, smiled and said, "Hold my hand Mummy."
Life with Stanley is so precious.

I didn't really think about it until a friend commented on the picture on Facebook that I will come to treasure this photo, for one day Stanleys' hand will be bigger than mine.  It is so true; infancy and childhood is fleeting.  I believe we should try to make the most of our time with our children; not battle with them to shape them to what we want them to be, for it is a journey and relationship that over time will change.  Our children will not be forever dependant upon us as parents, I would like to think that building a relationship with Stanley based upon love, trust and mutual respect is perhaps what will keep us close when the time comes that Stanleys' hand is bigger than mine.

It is funny that at the time a somewhat insignificant picture can turn into something that is quite pivotal in terms of being a parent.  Does anyone else have any moments they would like to share which defined them as a parent, or cemented their way of thinking in terms of motherhood?

Respecting Stanley

Mutual respect is not something you hear much about when you have a new baby.  But of late I have thought increasingly about whether the parenting techniques we use widely in Western society create a mutual respect between parent and child.  It never crossed my mind in the first couple of years but as Stanley is growing up and beginning to assert himself, ensuring I am respecting his opinions and views is becoming more important to me as his mother.

From birth Stanleys needs were met as instantly as possible; whether it was to feed, to sleep (or not!), to cuddle, to play.  This route felt most comfortable to me, following my maternal instinct in meeting my babies needs and providing comfort before he barely 'asked'.  However, this seems to get more complicated as your baby turns into a little person, with their own mind, views and opinions.

There is a pressure in society to get your child to conform; especially in public situations.  Unfortunately we live in a judgmental society where a toddlers temper tantrums will generally be met with rolling eyes, tutting and general disdain.  In all honesty I do find these situations quite hard, but every single time it has happened I can look back with hindsight and see I did not empathise with Stanleys feelings and frustrations enough, which in turn exacerbated the whole episode.  But the pressure of it being a social situation I believe affects my ability to think as I would normally, presumably because, very sadly I am too busy worrying about what other people are thinking.  I am however learning, like we all are, and take on board past experiences to become a better mother, for at the end of the day Stanleys well-being far outweighs what a stranger thinks of my parenting or my son.

I think in general I do try to empathise and take account of Stanleys views fairly well on a general basis.  I try not to manipulate him into doing things too regularly (although sometimes this is unavoidable), while letting him play freely and explore without too much input from myself.   I personally find it extremely hard when I hear about children being forced into situations, for instance, not leaving the table until they have eaten all their dinner.  A child Stanleys age has his own mind, and I feel situations such as this disrespects the child completely.  As an adult some days I may not eat so much and there are foods I dislike and do not eat;  I would feel very angry and upset if someone forced me to sit down and eat, and I fail to see how a toddler or young child is any different.  I believe as parents it is of utmost importance to respect Stanley.  For if he does not get respect from the people he is closest to - his mother and father, how is he ever going to learn he himself is worthy of respect from others and his views and opinions are valued?

Of course there are times when Stanleys wishes are secondary to a safety aspect.  For instance taking his arms out of his car seat straps is a current issue; but taking on-board and understanding his 'discomfort' in the seat, explaining why he has to wear a seat belt and distracting him from it seems to be best way of dealing with it for now. 

I do not want to be a dictator in Stanleys life, I would much rather be a guide he knew was always there and felt he could call upon when needed.  I want him to learn from me, feel worthy of expressing his opinions and make decisions by himself in time; and my hope is by respecting his feelings and empathising with him now, it may just help. 

I'll end this piece with a wonderful quote by Jonas Salk (1914-95) - an American Medical reseacher - "Good parents give their children Roots and Wings. Roots to know where home is and wings to fly away and exercise what's been taught to them." They sound like wise words to me.