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Monday 30 January 2012

"There were three in the bed..." - Published by Cirencester NCT January 2012.

When I fell pregnant with Stanley in the Spring of 2008 I did not envisage that my husband and I would end up sharing our bed with our yet to be born baby.  The possibility of bed-sharing with our baby didn’t occur to me during the pregnancy, possibly because I did very little research into parenthood before Stanley’s arrival.  This is something I regret with hindsight, but actually wonder how much I would have taken on board during pregnancy, for my parenting decisions have been mainly swayed by my maternal instinct which was born with my baby.  



I find it a little surprising that I didn’t see bed-sharing as an option whilst I was pregnant, seeing as I vividly remember my mum bed-sharing with my 3 younger siblings.  But I didn’t, we purchased a cot, decorated a “nursery” and it didn’t really cross my mind that things may not go to “plan”.....for this what we are conditioned to do in Western society - we believe our babies will sleep through the night from a very early age in a cot.  Oh how much I have learnt!



I knew I wanted to breastfeed my baby, that out of everything as regards the birth and early days was the only thing I was certain of.  What I didn’t know about was cluster feeding and that babies like to fill their bellies at night-time, which can make it difficult for mum to get anything like a restful nights sleep!



So bed-sharing for me started the night Stanley was born.  He had a relatively trouble free hospital birth late one Sunday evening, and 3 hours later we were transferred to the ward and I was expected to put Stanley into his plastic cot to sleep.  It was at this moment the idea of separating myself from my newborn baby, who had spent the last 9 months growing inside me felt completely wrong.  What I see now is that it felt wrong because it was going against my maternal instinct to be with, and nurture my newborn baby.  So it was at this point I decided to follow my maternal instinct; I put the sides up on the bed, rolled up some blankets and placed them along side the bars and Stanley slept with me in my arms all night.  He was unsettled, but I have no doubt would have been quite distressed had I, his mother separated myself from him that night.



Once home we did try using the moses basket for Stanley to sleep in, but there were 2 issues with this.  The first was that Stanley did not like sleeping alone.  He would wake up crying, and of course I know now this is completely normal and natural for he, like all newborn babies, are born with a primal instinct to be with their mother, their protector.  This is the same primal instinct we had thousands of years ago, when we wouldn’t have been sleeping in safe, warm houses with no risk from predators.  We as humans are mammals, and it is important to bear in mind that no other mammal will separate itself from its young to go to sleep.  This all helped me to understand and empathise with why Stanley did not like sleeping alone.  The second issue we had with sleeping seperately was that I would feed Stanley lying down for the night-time feeds, but I would end up falling asleep myself before placing him back in his moses basket.  So Stanley was spending most of the night in the big bed with me, albeit inadvertantly to begin with.


It was at this point that my Dad gave me my Mums old copy of the book ‘Three in a Bed’ by Deborah Jackson. This book became my bible in the early days.  It was so lovely to read something which explained that my maternal instinct and nature itself were playing a part in our transition to bed-share.  Not only did it feel so right to sleep with my baby and feed on demand at night, it meant I got as good a nights sleep as possible with a new baby, with no detrimental effect upon my milk supply.  Dr Sears (1995) research found that in the early days where night-feeds are routine (and of course normal), breastfeeding and bed-sharing mothers slept for longer at night than any other group which backs up my experience, as I really did sleep well considering.  The greatest thing was that Stanley would never “wake up” at night; don’t get me wrong, some nights he would feed and feed and feed (thankyou growth spurts!), but he would never actually wake up.  Just stir, have a feed and go back to sleep.  Once he was a bit older and more mobile he would usually manage to locate the breast himself at night, so I would sometimes wake up knowing he had fed at night time, but not really have much recollection of it.  Perfect really, as that is as good a nights sleep as possible for a breastfeeding mum with a baby still feeding on demand throughout the night.



When the decision was made that we would not bother persevering with the moses basket or cot, it became imperative to find the safest way to bed-share, and also research it - partly so I would have an answer for all those who were telling me that bed-sharing was dangerous and that I was creating a “rod for my back”.  The truth is as long as you adhere to safety guidelines, bed-sharing with your baby is a very natural and truly fantastic bonding experience.  Current Department of Health guidelines state your baby should sleep in the same bedroom as mum for the first 6 months.  This is a step put in place by the government to help prevent SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome).


Dr. James McKenna has researched mother-baby relationships and sleep for over 25 years and his findings suggest that if done safely bed-sharing is in fact best for mother and child, and reduces SIDS rates, contrary to popular belief.  This will be in part down to the fact that when mother and baby fall asleep together the mothers presence regulates the babies heartbeat, breathing and body temperature - a fact that leaves me in awe of how brilliant nature is. 

 It is good to get an idea of how normal bed-sharing is away from Western society.  Young (1998) found co-sleeping to be a cultural norm for 90% of the worlds population - that figure certainly put things into perspective in my mind, and helped me realise that it was irrelevant that my decision to bed-share went against the norm in the UK.  Bed-sharing rates in Japan have always been higher than in Western society.  Japans bed-sharing rates are still increasing whilst the countries SIDS rate is decreasing (McKenna 2007); and I do not believe that this is a coincidence.  Placing our children in cots to sleep is a very recent Western phenomenon, up until the 19th Century bed-sharing was the norm in the UK, and it was only after this that people starting placing their babies in cribs, and distancing themselves from their young at night.


In terms of the practicalities of bed-sharing, there are a few issues to consider, and guidelines to follow.  In terms of safety it is very important to think about your bedding.  With a small baby of under a year old you need to be careful with duvets and pillows.  These are heavy and a young baby will not have the strength to kick it off, so it is wise to use layers like sheets and blankets instead of a duvet, whilst keeping pillows away from your babies head.  It has become very popular to use 'gro-bags' for children, but because your presence will regulate your babies temperature when bed-sharing extra layers like this are unnecessary.  Once your baby starts moving and rolling it is obviously wise to buy a bed guard, and one of my best parenting buys was a soft foam wedge (from eBay) which goes on top of your mattress that stops the baby rolling out the bed.  



There are a few circumstances in which parents should not bed-share; for instance if either partner smoke - as breathing out second hand smoke in close proximity increases the risk of SIDS significantly, and also use of recreational drugs and alcohol will affect how deep the parent sleeps, thus making them less responsive to the baby, again increasing the risk of SIDS.  The other thing is you should not sleep together on an uneven surface such as a sofa, this is dangerous and does increase SIDS risk dramatically.


If you are a breastfeeding mum there is a lot of evidence to show how beneficial bed-sharing is - all that I  found and has supported my decision to continue to bed-share.  There is however much less evidence for mothers who formula feed their babies.  The difference is due to the hormonal changes the mother experiences when breastfeeding.  These hormones affect maternal behaviour, which was proven in a recent neurological comparison study on breastfeeding and formula mothers brains by Kim et al (2011).  The two important hormones are called Oxytocin and Prolactin.  A formula feeding mother will have decreased levels of these both of these hormones, which will impact upon how responsive they are to the babies cues at night when bed-sharing, in comparison with a breastfeeding mother, and also will mean the mother will enter the deeper stages of sleep that breastfeeding mothers do not.  As a mother, irrelevant of feeding method, it is our responsibility to weigh up the benefits and risks and make informed decisions.

We chose to bed-share with our son into toddlerhood and beyond, and in the end it was for just under 3 years.  Was it a terrible transition?  Did my son become that proverbial “rod” we hear all about?  Not at all.  He had a lovely, peaceful transition to his own bed, with no tears at bedtime.  He was in fact ever so excited to get his own room and own big bed.  What surprised me most was how much I (and my husband)  missed him, for nearly 3 years we had shared the same sleeping space as our beautiful baby boy.

It was my maternal instinct which influenced the decision to bed-share and it was something which became convenient for all the family - a mother who gets more sleep, a baby that barely wakes to feed, and a father who sleeps with minimal disturbances.  I think it is important to remember that no adult chooses to sleep alone if they have the option to share sleep with the people they love most, and I fail to see how this should be any different for a child.  After researching bed-sharing for some time there are many more benefits to bed-sharing than I have mentioned here, for instance a time to reconnect and bond when I had to go back to work.  Research also suggests children of bed-sharers thrive emotionally, physically and intellectually, and go on to have strong bonds with their parents well into the future, Sears (2011).   And these are just some of the factors to have led my family to bed-share.  



So when we decide to have another baby what would I do differently?  Well, we sold the cot on eBay, so I would do exactly the same again, but without hesitating to question my maternal instinct.




References.


McKenna J (2007). Sleeping With Your Baby: A Parents Guide To Cosleeping. Platypus Press.
Sears, W. (1995). SIDS: A parent's guide to understanding and preventing Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Boston: Little, Brown, and Company.
Sears, W. (2011) http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/sleep-problems/co-sleeping-yes-no-sometimes [accessed 17/12/2011]
Young, J. (1998). Babies and bedsharing. Midwifery Digest. 8. 364-369.