The 'Family Bed'.

Of all the things I post about co-sleeping seems to raise most interest with others.  Let's start with the basics, the terms: 'co-sleeping', 'bed-sharing', 'sleep-sharing' and the 'family bed' all mean sleeping in close proximity to your baby - either next to you with the baby on a separate sleeping surface, or in bed with you.  Current Department of Health guidelines state babies should sleep in the bedroom with its mother for the first 6 months, this is known as 'room-sharing'.  This is a step put in place to help prevent SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome).

Sharing your bed with your baby is the most natural way to sleep when you have a baby.  We as humans are mammals, and it is important to bear in mind that no other mammal will separate itself from its young to go to sleep.  Up until the 19th Century co-sleeping was the norm in the UK, it was only after this that people starting placing their babies in cribs, and distancing themselves from their young at night.  Of course there is also a cultural aspect to sleep-sharing; Young (1998) found co-sleeping to be a cultural norm for 90% of the worlds population.  Bharti (2006) suggested 93% of children aged 3-10 years old will bed-share in India, and in 1966 research by Caudill and Plath found age 11 to be the average age children make the transition away from the family bed in Japan. I think this information really puts placing our children in cots to sleep into perspective; it is in fact a very recent, Western phenomenon. 

Safe 'co-sleeping' and 'bed-sharing' have been found in many studies to reduce rates of SIDS, contrary of popular belief.  Dr. James J McKenna is the professor of Anthropology at the University of Notre Dame has researched mother-baby relationships and sleep for over 25 years.  His finding suggest that if done safely cosleeping is in fact best for mother and child, and does reduce SIDS rates.  Co-sleeping rates in Japan have always been higher than in Western society.  They generally sleep together on low futons and bed-share with their babies.  Japans bed-sharing rates are increasing whilst the countries SIDS rate is decreasing; this is not a coincidence.  Other factors reducing the Japanese SIDS rates are the virtually non-existant maternal smoking rate, and that approximately 75% of mothers will exclusively breastfeed (McKenna 2007).  Another startling piece of research on SIDS rates was performed by Grether et al (1990), they studied Asian immigrant sub-groups in the USA, whose SIDS rates would be very low in their country of origin.  The results show that as these groups have adopted the American lifestyle overtime, and put their children in cots at night for longer periods of time, the SIDS rates for these ethnic groups have now risen to match the rest of the population in the USA.  So the above studies prove that whilst it is natural, and in most other parts of the world actually normal to bed-share, it is also safer for a breastfed baby.  By sharing a bed you and your baby fall in sync with each other; amazingly your presence regulates your babies heartbeat, breathing and body temperature. 

Bed-sharing with a formula fed baby is different from a baby who is breastfed.  This is due to the hormonal changes the mother experiences when breastfeeding.  These hormones affect maternal behaviour, which was proven in a recent neurological comparison study on breastfeeding and formula mothers brains by Kim et al (2011).  In terms of co-sleeping this means that breastfeeding mothers will be more aware innately aware of the babies presence and as such be more responsive.  The two important hormones are Oxytocin and Prolactin.  Oxytocin is also known as 'the love hormone' for it has a strong role in maternal bonding, thus backing up the findings the above study; whilst Prolactin is the lactation hormone.  Prolactin levels are highest overnight, therefore mother who co-sleeps will tend to have a more plentiful milk supply than one who does not.  A formula feeding mother will have decreased levels of these both of these hormones, which will impact upon how responsive they are to the babies cues at night when bed-sharing, and also will mean the mother will enter the deeper stages of sleep that breastfeeding mothers do not.  These factors increase the risk to the baby if a formula feeding mother chooses to co-sleep or bed-share.  As a mother, irrelevant of feeding method, it is your responsibility to weigh up the benefits and risks and make an informed decision.

In terms of the practicalities of co-sleeping and bed-sharing, there are a few issues to consider.  In terms of safety it is very important to think about your bedding.  With a small baby of under a year old you need to be careful with duvets and pillows.  These are heavy and a young baby will not have the strength to kick it off, so it is wise to use layers like sheets and blankets instead of a duvet, whilst keeping pillows away from your baby.  It has become very popular to use 'gro-bags' for children, like sleeping bags, but this is not wise when co-sleeping.  By sleep-sharing with your baby you will regulate your babies temperature, so extra layers like this are unnecessary.  Once the baby starts moving and rolling it is obviously wise to buy a bed guard, and one of my best parenting buys in fact was a soft foam wedge from eBay that stops the baby rolling out the bed, all without a cot type bar in site (I have become quite anti-cot over time, it makes me think of a caged animal, and I can't help thinking limbs are liable to get trapped).  Finally there are a few absolute no-no's in co-sleeping.  Parents should not bed-share or co-sleep if either partner smoke, breathing out second hand smoke in close proximity increases the risk of SIDS significantly.  Also the use of recreational drugs and alcohol will affect how deep the parent falls asleep thus making them less responsive to the baby, again increasing the risk of SIDS. 

As a breastfeeding mother who chose to bed-share initially to get more sleep, I can see how important it is to master the skill of breastfeeding a baby lying down.  Sears (1995) research found that in the early days where night-feeds are routine (and of course normal), breastfeeding and bed-sharing mothers slept for longer at night than any other group.  It is a skill, and in some cases will take a while to master, presumably because the horizontal positioning will alter the babies latch, but it really is worth persevering with.  Breastfed babies who share your bed rarely wake in the night, because when they start stirring they quickly find the breast and fall back to sleep, barely even waking the mother during the process.

I made the decision to co-sleep naturally, it just felt right, and to be honest there was little consultation with my husband, as he tended to be asleep for the night-feeds anyway.  I think he had justifiable concerns once it became apparent we were bed-sharing full time.  Fathers in general are not as responsive to a baby in the bed as the mother (referring back to the maternal hormones) so in the early days it is important that the baby sleeps on the mothers side, after approximately 6-12 months this becomes much less of an issue.  My husband quite often wakes up with Stanley draped across him nowadays!  I think waking up next to your smiling baby, hearing all the little night-time chuckles, and of late the 'sleep talking' makes it so worth it.  Our bed is a 'family bed' - mother, father and child. Normal and natural.  Of course whenever I speak to people about this arrangement the topic that is bought up most is when do my husband and I get "time together".  I think you just have to be open minded about where you have that time together....I do not remember reading anything after I got married about how that time has to be spent in the marital bed!

So all in all it is fair to say we inadvertently fell into co-sleeping.  My maternal instinct influenced the decision and it was became convenient for all the family - a mother who gets more sleep, a baby that barely wakes to feed, and a father who sleeps through the night.  No adult chooses to sleep alone if they have the option to share sleep with the people they love most, and I fail to see how this should be any different for a child.  As it turns out, after researching co-sleeping for some time there are many more benefits to bed-sharing than I have mentioned in this blog, for instance a time to reconnect and bond when parents work throughout the day.  Research also suggests children of bed-sharers thrive emotionally, physically and intellectually, and go on to have strong bonds with their parents well into the future, Sears (2011).   And these factors are enough to keep us bed-sharing until maternal instinct and Stanley suggests otherwise.

Thank you for taking the time to read this blog, and I'll post again soon.

References. 

Bharti B. (2006) Patterns and problems of sleep in school going children Indian Pediatr. Jan; 43(1):35–8


Caudill W, Plath DW. (1966) Who Sleeps by Whom? Parent-Child Involvement in Urban Japanese Families. Psychiatry 29: 344–366.

Grether JK, Schulman J, Croen LA. (1990) Sudden infant death syndrome among Asians in California. The Journal of Pediatrics. 116 (4) 525-8.

Kim P, Feldman R, Mayes LC, Eicher V, Thompson N, Leckman JF, Swain JE. (2011) Breastfeeding, brain activation to own infant cry, and maternal sensitivity. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry.

McKenna J (2007). Sleeping With Your Baby: A Parents Guide To Cosleeping. Platypus Press.

Sears, W. (1995). SIDS: A parent's guide to understanding and preventing Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Boston: Little, Brown, and Company.

Sears, W. (2011) http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/sleep-problems/co-sleeping-yes-no-sometimes [accessed 24/06/2011]

 Young, J. (1998). Babies and bedsharing. Midwifery Digest. 8. 364-369.

Why Do I Post About Parenting?

I have been doing a lot of thinking over the past few days about why I have become so outspoken in how we have chosen to bring up Stanley.  I am aware that these posts are read by family members and friends, and am also aware that some people would probably rather I did not do this.  I think it's possible family members may find my posts embarrassing.....yet still something in me drives me to share the interesting things I find.

It dawned of me last night the real reason as to why I am so outspoken about subjects, which I think it would be fair to say, are not the necessarily the norm in the UK.  I believe, rightly or wrongly, that if I do not discuss openly what I am doing and decisions I have made, I am quietly accepting that it is 'wrong' or 'abnormal', along with the thoughts of the majority in mainstream society.  I am not ashamed at all of what I am doing; breastfeeding a 33 month old may not be the norm in the UK, but it is certainly not wrong, and I refuse to hide it, to protect others feeling 'uncomfortable'.  The fact that breastfeeding past 6 months in the UK is so uncommon is an issue with the society we live in; so it is no wonder women feel pressurised to wean their children.  The World Health Organisation recommend breastfeeding to a minimum of 2 years old; and any breastfeeding mother whose child has reached their 2nd birthday know that actually there are few reasons to stop at that milestone that are in the childs best interests.  In reality I feel really proud that Stanley and I have come this far in our breastfeeding relationship, in the first week or so I did not think we would manage it at all; and of course now he is older he feeds less and less, and one day, he will wean.  When that day comes I know it will be bittersweet, but I will be so happy that Stanley has been fortunate enough to receive the benefits of breast-milk for so long, and that I had not pressured him to wean sooner than he was ready because society states it's not 'normal'.

I stand by the fact that by writing this blog and posting on Facebook it may educate others and help people feel more confident in following their own maternal instincts, but irrelevent of this fact I think to stop posting now would be me accepting I should conform with society and that I should be ashamed of breastfeeding and co-sleeping a child of Stanleys age; and that just isn't going to happen!

Thanks for reading, hope to update again soon!

Parenting Decisions & Friendships.

Becoming a parent is the most life changing thing that will happen to you.  One day life is simple, it is all about you, no-one dependant on you, it is a fairly worry-free existence.  Then you become a mother and all your focus is aimed upon protecting and nurturing your beautiful baby.  From that day on life is never the same.

Becoming a parent changes you irreversibly, or it did me anyway.  What I did not realise at the time was 'how' you parent your child will change your relationship with others, and 'how' you parent will impact upon how others will treat you.

I think it is fair to say that I am an outspoken individual and over the last few weeks have discovered that my posting on Facebook about the things that interest me most, for instance breastfeeding, has caused friction among people I know.  Why do the decisions we make in bringing up our children cause such a stir with other people?  Everyone who knows me well knows that since having Stanley I have found a passion in motherhood.  I may not be mainstream in my decisions, which perhaps is what drives me to 'share' interesting things I find - to let others know if your maternal instinct takes you down this route too, then it's okay.  Good friends will also know that I am not judging other people when they do things differently.  Ultimately this would leave me with a very limited number of friends, and the last thing I intend to do is offend people with anything I post.

The majority of the friends I have are ones I went to school with.  Many of these have had children themselves and although we have all made different decisions in the parenting of our children, remain good friends.  They may well not agree or understand the decisions I have made to co-sleep or breastfeed for this 'extended' period; just as they have made decisions I may not necessarily choose.  But there is no judgement.  We are all good parents finding our own way with mutual respect for each other which has developed over time.

This is not to say that parenting decisions have no impact upon friendships.  For instance, finding a friend who shares your parenting ideals (whether it be mainstream or otherwise) is very comforting.  I know this first hand.  It has been utterly heartwarming to have recently met a friend who is very much similar to me in terms of the decisions we have made as parents.  The fact that we have this in common is central to our friendship, at the beginning when you know little about each other, it is what binds you together. 

So why does me posting cause rifts with not necessarily close friends, but say acquaintances? Is it because they think I am judging the parenting decisions they themselves made?  Do they take my posts as a personal insult?  If either of these are true I feel saddened, as this is not the aim in my posts, and I hope they never come across as such.  My posts are simply highlighting the things I have chosen to do, they should not be taken as what I think everybody should do, just opening other peoples eyes to less mainstream options.

I do understand of course that the issues I post about will provoke people. Subjects such as breastfeeding is something I could talk for hours about (as my husband knows!), and I feel quite sure a lot of people feel the same, no matter their stance on the subject.  I do feel cautious when posting about breastfeeding as there will always be the women who tried, and didn't manage to breastfeed past the first few, most difficult weeks.  For them especially this is a sensitive subject, and I in no way mean to belittle that.  However in my mind they should not feel guilty.  They gave it their best shot, and in all likelihood, it was not them who failed, but the system.  Women who give birth and want to breastfeed know very little other than the NHS message 'Breast Is Best'.  They (this included me prior to having Stanley) are usually unaware of the common problems most mums encounter in the first few days and weeks, and unaware of the reality of how often a newborn breastfed baby will feed (until the milk supply is well established), unless they have done this research themselves.  So when their baby is born, their milk hasn't come in yet, the babies crying and 'well-meaning' family and friends are advising to give the baby a bottle of formula, you can understand how so many give up so soon.  But I reiterate this is not the failing of a mother, but the whole pre-natal breastfeeding education and post natal support system.  I mean why on earth are National Childbirth Trust and La Leche League 24 hour breastfeeding telephone numbers not given to all new mothers when they have their baby?  And why do so few Midwives and Health Visitors specialise in breastfeeding, surely this should be central to the role?

I question why any mother would have an issue with my posts if they have made the decision to feed their baby artificial milk from day one.  Recent figures show that approximately 25% of women will do this.  I of course do not understand why they would make this decision, but feel as they themselves made this decision, they should be least bothered by my posting.  Presumably they knew all the facts and made an informed decision to feed their babies artificial milk?  If not, then maybe they will learn something and know for next time?  Alot of parenting is about learning from your mistakes, with your first baby you have never done this before, so of course we all do things at times that with hindsight we would change.

The question is should I stop posting?  Stop talking about these things that interest me most, for fear of offending people?  My posts appear to be drawing people in, as well as pushing people away.  I love the fact people reading my posts are people from all walks of life, and not all mothers yet, I find it absolutely fantastic.  Reading things like this before your baby is born, will hopefully give you greater inner confidence when you do become a mother.  But then some people read them, presumably take it as a personal attack on their parenting, and you know that whatever "friendship" we had, my posting has severed.  Realistically not everyone is going to like what I have written (and will write in future), and if people feel personally judged by what I have written I am sorry for this is not my aim.  But at the end of the day I, like anybody, want supportive people around me - irrelevant of what parenting path we choose to raise our children, and from that point of view, I do not feel like I have lost anything at all.

Maternal Instinct

Maternal instinct as we all know is something I believe to be very important, but sadly feel modern parenting 'techniques' ignore this innate aspect of being a mother.

I am fortunate to have been confident enough, and had lots of brilliant support, to be able to follow my natural instincts from birth.  Stanley was breastfed on demand from birth, has never been left to cry and stayed with me 24/7 unless it was absolutely necessary to leave him.  For instance, the first time I left him properly was when he was 4 months old and I had to have an operation under general anaesthetic.  I discussed with the anaesthetist that I was breastfeeding, and needed to have an anaesthetic compatable with this.  I made the nurses aware that as soon as I woke up, I wanted Stanley there to feed him.  They were in fact very accomodating, putting me first to the top of the queue for theatre so Chris and Stanley were not hanging around too long.  After this I didn't leave Stanley again until I had to go back to work.  There was no need to.  I enjoyed being at home in the evenings rather than yearning to 'go out', happy feeding my son to sleep and feel the same about these things today, so it has never crossed my mind to do things any different.  What I don't know is, is this just part of what makes me, 'me'? Do some people have much stronger maternal instincts than others? Am I just lucky enough to have a supportive husband who trusted my instinct rather than talking me into other, perhaps more conventional ways? I don't know the answer.

I am very fortunate to have a job where I get to meet a lot of new mothers and have a bit of time to discuss parenting with them.  I do meet a lot of mothers who do not seem to be very confident in themselves as a parent, have unreal expectations of motherhood and the baby, and look to books to give them routines.  These books are hugely common, one well known parenting 'guru' has sold over 2 million copies of her book which dictates an eating, playing, napping and sleeping schedule for baby from day one.  Personally, I would have found this impossible to follow.  Putting my baby in it's own room and not feeding it until a certain time would have gone against everything my body was telling me.  It would have ended our breastfeeding relationship before it barely begun, for the early days (say the first six weeks of the babies life) are all about establishing a good milk supply by feeding on demand.  I also think following a routine such as this would have impacted upon the bond Stanley and I have created, which breastfeeding has always been a part of.  I think it's all very good writing a baby book about implementing routines, I mean anybody could do that; but writing one that actually takes into account a mother instincts would surely be better for both mother and baby in the long run?

It surprised me to discover that many of these parenting 'gurus' don't actually have children themselves.  I find it rather funny that should any of these women have gone on to have a child after writing their manuals they may have had a very big fight on their hands with that good friend of mine, 'maternal instinct'.  I suppose it is very easy to write that you should delay feeding the baby until a certain time, or not look at the baby at night-time, or ignore a babies cry, that is until that cry is a baby of your own.  I meet many mums who have talked about their use of 'controlled crying', in fact it really should be called 'controlled comforting', and say how hard it is to listen to their babies cry.  The reason it is hard to hear is our maternal instinct.  It is us telling ourselves it is wrong and our baby needs us; for milk, for affection, for comfort.  These manuals have created unreal expectations for mothers, who want their babies sleeping through the night by 8 weeks and feeding not more than 4 hourly.  This is not a reality for breastfeeding mothers, but seeing as breastfeeding rates are so low, we don't hear much about what is 'normal' for a breastfed baby.  I believe that that most babies following these routines by 6 weeks are fed artificial milk, possibly because the schedule did not give them the opportunity to establish a good milk supply in the early days.

What I would say is if mothers choose to follow these routines, be confident enough to follow your innate maternal instincts too.  It's so important, listen to your babies needs, and remember comfort is a need, not a want in a baby.

As the mother of that beautiful baby, you are the most important person in your babies life; and following your maternal instincts are more than enough to guide you through the early days.

Welcome to my blog, 'Nurturing Stanley'.

Thank you for taking the time to come and view my personal blog 'Nurturing Stanley'.

'Nurturing Stanley' will allow me to write about the subjects I am most passionate about, whilst perhaps giving Stanley something very interesting to read as he gets older, about why we made the decisions we did when he was small.  This is where I will link articles of research which are of interest to me, and justify the parental decisions my maternal instinct has led us to make.

Prior to having Stanley I spent little to no time reading about becoming a parent and the impact it has.  I never considered I would be one to make decisions that go against the norm of society, I just never thought about it; and then Stanley was born.

I was without doubt utterly bowled over by the force of the maternal instinct I felt the evening Stanley entered the world.  The first time I experienced myself going against the norm of parenting in western society was just a few hours after he was born.  It was 11pm, two and a half hours after I had given birth to my baby boy, and I was expected to put Stanley in a cot, a few feet away from me to sleep.  I did not feel okay with this, it felt so wrong to carry and nurture this baby for nine months, then leave it to sleep alone.  Stanley made he quite clear he did not like this set up either and was very unsettled.  So I rolled up some hospital blankets and put them down the sides of my bed, and he spent the night next to me, sleeping in the crook of my arm and on my chest.  This is of course with nurses frequently coming in and telling me this is not where Stanley 'should' sleep.  With hindsight, of course he was unsettled.  I imagine the physical process of being born is quite traumatic for a baby.  They are so safe inside their mother, it's warm, soft and calm.  Then they are squashed very tight, squeezed through a tunnel and arrive in a cold, loud, bright room where nothing is as it was a few seconds before, and all the baby has ever known.  The only constant is the mother.  Being held close, skin-to-skin, hearing mothers heartbeat and breastfeeding is their only comfort in the early days.  The cot would have provided none of these, Stanley would have felt lost.

Since then there have been many other decisions which I have made by just following my maternal instinct, which have caused surprise and disbelief in others; for instance continued bed-sharing and extended breastfeeding. 

Some people have told me outright they think I am wrong, others are more subtle with their undermining comments, but at the end of the day I do not believe for one moment that my natural maternal instinct will guide me the wrong way in raising Stanley.  All I can think is that my vocality on such issues causes them to question the decisions they themselves have made.

I do not believe that the decisions I make in parenting are what everybody should choose.  As a parent you have to make your own informed educated decisions on what is best for your baby, yourself and the rest of your family.

My main hope for this blog is that it can educate others, and perhaps give other parents the confidence to embrace their maternal instinct, which in many cases will go against societies norms.  I would have loved to have read this before I had Stanley, perhaps I would have been less bewildered and surprised by the surge in maternal instinct I experienced, and still experience every single day.

Thank you again for reading,  I would love to hear your comments.

I will post again very soon.