The day Stanley started Pre-School.

Today for me, has been the most emotionally draining day I have ever experienced in life and as a Mother; today was Stanleys first day at Pre-School.

Stanley was due to start Pre-School in January 2012 (the term after his 3rd birthday).  However, I made the decision to send him early a few weeks ago when I could see his interactions with other children were difficult (do not get me wrong, he can play nicely at times, see my previous blog post for more info) but I believe he needs proper socialisation with other children.  Therefore it seemed like a good idea to ease him in gradually by starting him a few months before the planned start date in January, so it didn't come as too much of a shock.
 

Now I take full responsibilty for Stanleys challenging behaviour with other children.  He has no siblings yet (not a decision I regret at all), but it would appear we didn't spend enough time with other toddlers when these social skills start forming.  Most of the days since Stanley was born we have spent together.  I went back to work fairly early, when he was about 7 months old, but was fortunate enough to never have to put him in a nursery, in our case the role of extended families has been priceless.  So when I work family has him, and at weekends and evenings Daddy is there, but the rest of the time he has been with me.  So I believe this has meant he just does not know how to act with other children.  He is not being mean, or naughty; he just hasn't learnt those skills yet.

It dawned on me yesterday evening; yes, less than 24 hours before he started Pre-School (and 2 weeks after our Pre-School visit) what a huge step this is for the both of us.  To be fair the fact that it dawned on me so close to actual event is not a huge surprise, this has happened before; take my Wedding Rehearsal for example, the Vicar had to pull me aside and check I was okay (I think she was worried that I did not want to get married!) because I was in such an emotional state at the rehearsal, I could not get the words of my vows out at all with all the crying I was doing.  So, what I am saying is I think this is how I deal with things, I push the in's and out's, and the magnitude of things to the back of my mind for as long as possible.

Last night my worries began and my main worry was surrounding the fact that whenever I have left Stanley previously he has been left with loving family members, Grandparents or Daddy.  At Pre-School he would be left with people who are experienced in childcare, but they do not know my son, and they certainly do not love him.  He also does not know them, he is entering a strange building, full of adults he has never met, so has no trust in them, as well as meeting lots of other children. That is a lot to deal with, hence last night I got quite upset about it, and at 11pm ended up creeping into Stanleys room, whispering that I love him and curling up next to him to sleep.

All this would be stressful in itself, but of course this would happen when I feel drained and run down anyway with a virus.  I should have expected that though, I have been saying for months and months that I think breastfeeding keeps 'me' healthy, for I haven't been poorly in so long.  Then throw some female hormones into the mix and in terms of my emotional response to it all, it was a disaster waiting to happen.

So we arrive at Pre-School at midday, stood in the queue and Stanley starts shouting that he wants to go in; just to clarify, Stanley is not the most patient boy in the world.  So eventually we're at the front of the queue I give him a kiss, say goodbye and he's off.  I stand there to the side of the door (out of sight) and listen, and then I hear it, "I want my Mummy" sobbed repeatedly.  My heart breaks, instinctively I want to run in and cuddle him, but I hold back, more children are entering the room so I decide to wait until they have all gone in and speak to one of the Pre-School teachers about it.  It felt like an age, but in reality it was only 2 minutes before I could not hear Stanley anymore, when the last little boy had entered the room.  I peek into the room, after the Pre-School worker says he is fine now, and she is right he is fine.  He was chatting away to a Pre-School worker, but I feel so, so sad.  I am walking away leaving my little boy with people I and he don't really know.  The 5 minute walk home was the longest walk of my life.

At home I sit on the sofa and weep.  I cry for the little boy who wants his Mummy, even though it is his Mummy who made the decision to leave him in this unfamiliar place, with unfamiliar people.  I try and take my mind off it but 45 minutes later I call them to check he is okay, and again he was, he was reading a book with one of the teachers.  My mum then calls me, and she has been so supportive today.  I am one of six children, so she has left (more than her fair share of) children at Pre-School for the first time and walked away before.  She says something so moving, which perhaps unbeknown to her made me cry, her words were along the lines of "From the day they are born they are never really yours, they are just growing their way to adulthood."  And it is horribly true, this is Stanley growing up, a pivitol moment in his life, the first step of the 'Formal Education' Ladder.

I am sending Stanley to Pre-School because I want Stanley to be better at socialising with other children (which I am sure Pre-School will help with), but I really am hating the thought of it as his first step on the 'Formal Education' ladder.  I am lucky, Stanley does not start school until he is 5 (in the UK they can go as soon as a few days after their 4th birthday depending on when their birthday falls) but the more I look into it, the more I am resenting the UK school system.  Why can we not be more like Sweden, or Germany with a Kindergarten until the age of 6 or 7, and just learn through play until then?  From my personal experience I really believe the UK school system drains most of your creativity out of you, and I am unsure if I want this for my son; but what other option do I have?  I am not up for home-schooling, I do not believe I would do Stanleys education justice so that's that.  I live in the UK so I am left needing a lottery win so I can send my son to a Steiner School........

So where does this leave me now?  Stanley is tucked up in bed, he hasn't been clingy at all since we left Pre-School this afternoon, he really is fine.  I am the one who is struggling, and hoping that by writing this I will feel better; a blog if nothing else is cathartic.  Stanley is due in Pre-School again on Friday afternoon, lets hope that goes as well, if not better than today.  In reality if the Attachment Parenting has done what it's aim was at the beginning, then the strong attachment we share should over-ride a lot of the seperation anxiety that is possible when starting Pre-School......but I think only time will tell.
 

**Well done Stanley, Mummy is ever so proud of you, and even though she didn't think it was possible to love you anymore than she did yesterday, she does.**

Breastfeeding - you CAN do it!

I truly believe that if at all possible, breastfeeding is an experience that all mothers and babies should have.  It is what we as mammals have evolved to do, the breastmilk is specifically tailored to meet the needs of our baby, packed full of antibodies, whilst changing to meet the needs as the child grows.  I meet so many women who hoped to breastfeed their babies but due to unrealistic expectations (societies expectations of parenthood which is ingrained in us) and lack of support, turn to artificial milks within a couple of weeks.  I find this really, really sad.  I believe the system has failed these women, and I do sympathise for I could have so easily been one of them.  Health professionals in my opinion need to stop pushing the 'Breast is Best' and start stating facts of the realities of breastfeeding, along with the risks of artificial feeding.  The support systems for mothers, as regards postnatal breastfeeding support must be improved to increase UK breastfeeding rates.

In reality the percentage of women who physically cannot breastfeed is under 1%.  In the studies which have been conducted in this area, many show higher rates of between 2-4%, but in all these studies there have been actions take place which are detrimental to milk supply - for instance sleep training or not feeding on demand.  In non Westernised countries where artificial milk is not readily available as an option 'not having enough milk' does not exist.  Therefore it is very likely that the combination of having artificial milk readily available every turn and the very popular 'parent-led' routines (in which feeding on demand is not advised) leads a mothers milk supply to diminish.

Following Stanleys birth I realised that breastfeeding is in fact very difficult, and I think most women have some difficulties in the early days.  Breastfeeding statistics support this with a huge percentage of women giving up within the first 7 days.  Getting Stanley to latch and actually want to feed in the first 48 hours was an issue for me.  I found it was at this stage that the hospital midwives started talking about blood sugars and the need to top up with formula.  Luckily for me my Mother (who extended breastfed my younger sisters and a fabulous breastfeeding role model) was there, and in my anxious 'shell-shocked' post-natal state put across the points I was struggling with.  Eventually I got some help in the form of a midwife assisting me to express colostrum and syringe feed Stanley.  The issue I found was that in the hospital the midwives do not have proper breastfeeding training, the breastfeeding counsellors have been removed from many hospitals as they are too expensive and the midwives who are on the wards do not have the time to sit and watch your baby latch.  I found the support I needed in the community, but I was just lucky I worked with two breastfeeding counsellors/midwives who were happy to visit daily until we were on our feet.  I personally find it quite undermining to breastfeeding that there is a room full of formula milks on the ward, all bottles ready to go with teats attached that you can help yourself to, it would have been very easy to cave in to the midwives pressure to get a bottle.  I believe no hospital can profess to be breastfeeding friendly unless they have the staff to adequately support the breastfeeding mothers on the ward.

**At this point I really want to stress that this is not a post about making mothers who have formula fed their children feel guilty.  I do not believe any mother should feel guilty about this, I believe the system failed you, feel angry at the poor post-natal care and advice you received and seek out the best breastfeeding support networks if you have another baby, for support really is the key for being able to breastfeed successfully.**

Recently I heard someone say that formula feeding is "as good as breastfeeding", and I must say that I find this is a very misinformed response.  The other term I often here as regards formula feeding is "It never did me any harm".  To this statement I really want to reply "But did it do you any good?"  Statistically the fact that "It never did me any harm" doesn't really float, that statement does not negate the fact that there is increased risks to your baby from artificial feeding.  It is also a simple anecdotal statement, which in no way makes facts (such as those mentioned below) less true.  A very wise mother who was formula fed, and chose to breastfeed her baby said, "Artificial feeding may have stopped me reaching my full potential, I mean who knows what that full potential was, I never got the opportunity of fulfilling it, but I will not take that right away from my child". 

If you research the risks of artificial feeding (which we never hear about - it is always the 'benefits' of breastfeeding, rather than the 'risks' of formula feeding) you would find scientific evidence to show it does raise numerous risks for the baby.

There is scientific evidence which shows that NOT breastfeeding can have the following impact: 

• increased rates of childhood Cancers and breast cancer in later life
• increased rates of SIDS
• increased rates of Bacterial Meningitis
• increased diagnoses of Diabetes (Type 1 and 2)
• increased diagnoses of Chron's and Ulcerative colitis
• reduced IQ and cognitive development
• increased Allergies - food, skin (eczema) and respiratory
• increased diagnoses of Asthma 
• increased liklihood of childhood Otitis Media - increases risk by 3-4 times.
• increased episodes of Pulmonary distress whilst feeding
• increased diagnoses of Reflux
• increased Respiratory and Urinary infection rates
• increased Cholesterol, Athersclerosis and Blood Pressure in later life
• increased Mental health and behavioural issues, in childhood and later life 

All these above are outcomes from referenced medical studies, please see the MilkMatters website for more information.

As well as the above list there are numerous benefits for mum including a reduced risk of breast, ovarian and endometrial cancers.  

The two maternal hormones Prolactin and Oxytocin play a huge part in the early days when breastfeeding; breastfeeding has been proven in numerous studies to aid the bonding process.  Breastfeeding is not just about giving milk to your baby; but it is meeting your babies emotional needs, as well mums emotional needs too, for postnatal depression has been found to be higher in mums who formula feed.

The human body really is a magnificent thing.  We can provide something perfect for our little ones to grow if we trust in our bodies ability and arm ourselves with the right information and a support network.

For more information about where to go for support when breastfeeding, please see my last blog post Breastfeeding Support Contacts

Breastfeeding Support Contacts - Local (Swindon) & National (UK).

I thought I would write a quick blog post aimed at new parents with the details of National and Local (to Swindon) Breastfeeding Support.

I believe that mothers need to be supported in breastfeeding, and in a lot of cases it is an uphill struggle to begin with, but by seeking support from trained knowledgable individuals I hope you can go on to have a wonderfully successful breastfeeding relationship with your child too.

National Support Telephone Helplines.

• National Breastfeeding Helpline:
  Tel 0300 100 0212

• National Childbirth Trust (NCT) Breastfeeding Line (Open 8.00am – 10.00pm):
  Tel 0300 330 0771

• La Leche League (24 hour helpline):
  Tel 0845 120 2918

• The Association of Breastfeeding Mothers (Open 9.30am – 10.30pm):
  Tel 0844 412 2949

• Breastfeeding Network (BfN) and Supporters Line (Open 9.30am – 9.30pm):
  Tel 0300 1000210

Local Support available in Swindon.

Swindon Breastmates is jointly run by mothers (peer supporters), breastfeeding counsellors, midwives, health visitors, nursery nurses and staff in Children’s centres all across Swindon and the surrounding villages.
It provides mothers with a place to meet others with babies at the same time as encouraging and sharing their breastfeeding experiences.  It is a well known fact that 'talking to other women who are breastfeeding or have breastfed can often be a great support. You can learn what to expect and what is and is not normal.’

Swindon Extended Breastfeeding Support is a new Facebook based group for Swindon mothers, who hope to meet up at least monthly in the near future.  It is a group aimed at mothers who are, or hope to breastfeed their children past 12 months.

Local Telephone Breastfeeding Support

• Community Midwives Office (Open 9.00am – 9.45am) For up to 28 days after birth Tel: 01793 604814 -17 or 605576 

• Community Midwife bleep holder (Available 8.30am-5.00pm) Tel: 01793 604020 (ask operator for community midwife bleep holder)

• Great Western Hospital Maternity bleep holder (24 hours) Tel: 01793 604020 (ask operator for maternity bleep holder) 

•  Health Visiting Team - SureStart Breastfeeding Support (9.00am – 4.30pm Monday to Friday) Tel: 01793 705091

Useful Breastfeeding Websites.

www.nct.org.uk

www.realbabymilk.org

www.abm.me.uk

www.breastfeedingnetwork.org.uk

www.unicef.org.uk/babyfriendly

www.realbabymilk.org/swindon

www.laleche.org.uk

www.biologicalnurturing.com

www.kellymom.com

http://www.nhs.uk/planners/breastfeeding/pages/breastfeeding.aspx

http://www.nhs.uk/start4life/pages/welcome-to-start4life.aspx

Dealing with Challenging Behaviour.

When our children are small babies, decision making is very simple.  It is responsive - you feed, you comfort, you meet your babies needs as quickly as you can.  Obviously it can take a while to work out what your baby wants, for a newborns communication skills are somewhat limited to small physical gestures and cues, followed by grizzling and crying.  I never found the early days too stressful in terms of meeting Stanley's needs and do not really remember seriously questioning my ability as a parent and whether the decisions I was making were the right ones.

As Stanley got older and started to communicate more effectively I have found myself questioning my parental decisions more and more.  I am sure this is a completely natural and normal step for any parent who is trying to make conscientious decisions for the family, but of course because we have chosen an 'alternative' route - with the bed-sharing and extended feeding, there has at times been an element of doubt in my mind when Stanley's actions and behaviour is the polar opposite of what 'Attached Parenting' is trying to create.

For the few of months I have found some of Stanley's behaviour quite challenging and it has tested my parenting, in terms of remaining calm and gentle.  I was thinking about whether it was possibly linked to the transition into his own room which remains a positive step with Stanley regularly sleeping 8 hour stretches before I join him (I think he is all 'big-bedded' out!) but I really do not believe it is related, for the transition into his own room has been so peaceful, and the behaviour started a few weeks before the move.

The challenging behaviour I have been struggling with has been 'hitting' and 'pushing' other children.  I was absolutely mortified.  This is not behaviour that Stanley has seen from friends or family, and to be honest not something I was prepared for at all.  Both my mother and mother-in-law said it was 'just a phase' (and it appears they were right!) but I was very worried, and of course the first thing you think is, 'is it because of my parenting'?

Stanley's behaviour in turn led me to have to deal with three things; Stanley doing this to other children, dealing with my own issues with why it would happen - when all I have done thus far should have prevented this (or so I naively thought!), and how best to deal with it.

The hitting and pushing mostly happened in play parks and soft play centres (in the summer holidays I should add!) where adrenaline appeared to be running quite high among all the children.  In all the situations there was an action before (but not necessarily an aggressive one) from another child which provoked Stanley to lash out.  I have concluded that in these situations with lots of other children, Stanley has little to no patience; which admittedly isn't ideal, but probably just part and parcel of being 36 months old.  So I made the decision to stop attending soft play for a few weeks until this phase has completely passed.  The way I found best to deal with the behaviour after seeing it was to stop Stanley playing and talk about why we should not hit and push - how it hurts other children, and ultimately at outdoor play parks completely remove him from the park.

Now this in itself caused me to have a small, but significant, crisis of confidence.  If you have read Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn, removing Stanley from the play park would be seen a punishment.  Kohn is anti punishment and rewards in young children, and the book makes a lot of sense and I would recommend it, but I was going against the advice of one of the books which I have sought advice from in the past.  However I am not going to follow advice from any book if it contradicts my maternal instinct - this is what I have followed from day one, and believe instinct to be a very important aspect of parenting.  Talking to Stanley and leaving a play park to me was the correct decision when he had upset a little girl.  There was no way in my mind I could let him run off and play again when she was still upset.  I do not believe that leaving the park means I do not love Stanley unconditionally.  But perhaps that is because I have read the book and told Stanley I loved him at the time, but it was the hitting that was the problem.  I do not believe we should ever tell our children that they are 'bad' or 'naughty' - it is not them, it is their behaviour.   Although I will admit I do have to remind myself of this, for it is very easy for these things to roll off the tongue without really thinking. 

So my little boy Stanley is not the saintly calm child 100% of the time, that I naively thought my parenting techniques would create.  But had I not been so gentle with him, not bed-shared and not extended breastfed him, I think life would be more difficult now.  I truly believe that these things have created a trust and bond between us, and without the strong attachment with me, his behaviour would be even more challenging and he would in all likelihood be less responsive to my 'post-pushing other children' talks.

I know Stanley, like any little boy his age, is going through a change - he is experimenting with life.  I feel ever so proud of him, he is learning all the time and just like everything else, the hitting and pushing other children is a learning curve that I hope have helped guide him through.

My little boys, big bed.

My little Stanley is nearly 3, it is just one week until his Birthday.  In his whole life we have not spent a night apart.  It has been perfect, and in my opinion, absolutely the best thing for both him and us.  He has had unlimited access to breast milk and cuddles, it has been excellent for bonding and I at the same time have been able to get a good nights sleep, without proper wake ups.  I am the biggest advocate for safe bed-sharing.

I had always planned for Stanley to have his own proper bedroom, and of course before he was born his 'nursery' was set up like any other babies' with a cot taking centre stage in the newly decorated room.  This was of course what society expects you to do when you have a baby, I had not opened my eye's to other options of where a baby sleeps.  I have my mother, father and husband to thank (as well as choosing to follow my own maternal instinct), for without their support I may not have fallen into bed-sharing quite so quickly and happily.  I will admit the cot did get some use; it became very good storage for clothes and nappies.  I will also add that Stanley never actually slept in his cot, well apart from one 20 minute afternoon nap!  It has dawned on me that I have a real dislike for cots, I think it's down to the bars.  I hate the thought of a baby behind these bars, and I fail to see how limbs do not get trapped in them on a regular basis.

I had it in the back of my mind for a while that we would get Stanley a proper 'big bed' of his own around his 3rd birthday.  Instinct lead me to believe that this would be a good time in terms of him having an understanding (and excitement) of having his own space and bed, as well as being aware that Mummy and Daddy were only a few metres away.  I feel acutely aware that newborns and small babies who wake up without their mum beside them do not realise where its mother is, and will automatically cry, assuming it has been abandoned.  This is just the nature of being a mammal with primal instincts.

So it happened that we found a bed that would be perfect for Stanleys room a few weeks ago, and we set it up with his own Toy Story bedding.  Stanley did not seem worried at all that he wouldn't be in the big bed with us, as we talked about falling asleep in his new bed.  Had he at any point been upset by the process we would have happily delayed it, for Stanley's well-being is of the utmost importance.

Stanley jumping on his own 'big bed' for the first time!

The first night Stanley fell asleep in his own bed was 20th August 2011.  He made no fuss about falling asleep that night and it was made quite clear that Mummy and Daddy were not far away and he was welcome in the big bed, that night, and every other night to follow.  And this remains to be true, I believe Chris & I will always have an 'open door policy' when it comes to our children (hopefully, one day, there will be more little Hamblings) in our big bed. 

So Stanley has gone to sleep in his bed for the last 11 nights.  We have led together on his bed, read some bedtime stories, and he has fallen asleep whilst having cuddles and breast milk.  He has woken up nightly (and interestingly later at night than he normally would have when he was in our bed).  I hear "mine Mummy" being called, and I take that as my call to go to his room to snuggle up next to him, feed him and drift back off to sleep.  I did initially intend to get out and go back to the big bed, but sleep comes all to easily; I blame those breastfeeding-sleepiness hormones!  What surprises me is that he calls for me, well calls "mine Mummy" (which I do find quite funny, I mean who else's Mummy does he expect to join him!?).  I imagined a sleepy little boy crawling into our bed, rather than a sleepy mummy heading to his bed to join him!

For any bed-sharers out there wondering when the best time to start the transition to a seperate bed would be, the answer has to be very simply when you are both ready.  Stanleys sleep/feed pattern has not altered much since he was 20 months old, when he went through a developmental leap of eating more during the day, and having longer stretches between feeds at night (apart from when teething).  This means in theory we could have bought him a bed and done this well over a year ago, physically he was possibly ready, but I believe emotionally both he and I were not ready for this shift.  This has been a time when following my maternal instinct has taken control and led the decision making process.

How did I feel the first few nights? In one word: Anxious.  It took me back to the very beginning when part of me would dread Stanley's next feed (we struggled establishing breastfeeding in the very early days).  I felt anxious that Stanley would be upset waking up to find me not there, I worried he would cry.  I am not surprised that Stanley sleeping seperately (at least for the beginning of the night) had this effect on me.  At night time for very close to 3 years I have never had to even think about how Stanley is, all I have had to do was open my eyes.  Obviously for me too this has been a big transition to and one that only now I am really adjusting to.  I have to say the nicest aspect of the process to me is that Stanley is not upset, he just calls for me, no tears.  Had there been any tears or upset I am 100% sure he would be back in our bed full-time and we would try again at a later date, when he is physically and emotionally ready.  It is early days but so far it has been a smooth, problem free transition, and I have found it definitely has it's benefits too!  One of the main reasons we decided to get Stanley his own bed was because we were disturbing him.  We are not particularly noisy when we get into bed, but hopping in and out of the en-suite, flushing the toilet, lights going on and off, and getting into bed was definitely making him stir prematurely from his slumber!  And I have to say I like the fact I can put my bedside light on without worrying and read my book before bed, I have missed that. 

I think that at the moment I am getting the best of both worlds; reading a good book before bed and middle of the night snuggles with my boy. 

Life is good; and as for the fate of the cot, well that is going on eBay, I think it is safe to say I will not be using one next time around either!

My little Stanley asleep in his own bed for the first time - 20th August 2011.

On Reflection.....

This is just a short reflective piece of writing about the little boy Stanley has become.  As you all know maternal instinct drove me to parent in the way that felt most comfortable to me.  It's been fairly easy ride in comparison to others, and I have gone out of my way not to make a big deal of the small things, and not compare Stanley to other children.  However when I look back, with hindsight I don't believe I was 100% sure I was doing what was best for Stanley (I was just following my maternal instinct), I mean how do you know you are going to create a happy, well-adjusted child at the end of it?  Especially when other peoples children act and seem different to your own.  My point is you don't know, you just have to do what feels best to you as their mother.  It would be so easy as a mother to turn your back on your own maternal instincts and take the well-meaning, but usually ill-informed advice from others.

I had a few concerns when Stanley was a toddler, not big ones, but I worried all the same that he was quite a 'clingy' toddler (I am sorry to use the term 'clingy' - I really dislike it now, and since then I have learnt it's a completely normal, and natural process of forming a strong attachment).  I was concerned I was creating a fearful, introverted, timid child.  And although I did not ever want to compare Stanley to others I found it difficult as friends toddlers did seem more advanced socially. 

With hindsight I really wish I not not spent a second on troubling myself with these thoughts.  I have fairly recently come to realise that Stanley is as gregarious and fearless as they come.  He is very confident and outgoing, happy to chatter and play with other children.  He is loving and sensitive, although prone to hugging other children he may not know very well!  I am so happy about the personality which is forming, it is great for him, I honestly would have felt like I had let him down had he been fearful and introverted.  Obviously an easy target of blame would have been the style of parenting I had chosen if that had been the case.

So now what I wonder is, would Stanley be the same little gregarious, fearless little boy without the bed-sharing, extended breastfeeding, or if he had been left to cry.  No one can answer this question.  But the studies suggest attachment parenting will increase a child's confidence, whilst leaving a child to cry on nightly basis to 'aid' sleep (what a joke, whose sleep is this meant to aid I wonder?) could well help create an insecure child.  This leaves me sure that of course 'nature' is important factor in the person Stanley will become, but I now think and see proof that attached parenting is also playing a very beneficial part in the journey too.

Rioting and Attachment.

Last week it was difficult to get away from the endless coverage of the London riots (and latterly other UK cities).  It shocked me to watch it, as I think it did most other people, and got me thinking about how these young people got to the point in their lives where this anti-social, destructive behaviour (to themselves and their community) is acceptable.  The young people committing these crimes were once babies, and then young children; they were not destined to do this.  I believe factors in their lives have shaped them, thus leading them up this path.  There is no doubt that ultimately they had a choice, no-one was forcing them to loot, but I believe other factors led them to see this as an appropriate way to act; whether it be linked to their family and upbringing, or important factors such as education, poverty and inequality.

On August 4th this year (just a day or so before the first riots) the BBC news website published an article called 'Parents should follow five-step approach'.  Chris Paterson who wrote the report states "the most important factor influencing a child's intellectual and social development was the quality of parenting and care they received."  Whilst Ms Teather, the Childrens Minister states "Raising greater awareness of the importance of high quality parenting skills and building strong family relationships for children in the foundation years and beyond is invaluable."  The  5-a day approach consists of reading with your child for 15 minutes, playing for 10 minutes, talking for 20 minutes with the TV turned off, giving you child a nutritious diet, and adopting a positive attitude towards your child, ie: praising them frequently.  This is good if people take note of this who are not giving their children the attention the deserve, but it made me think how many people raise their children with a negative attitude, and giving their children such little attention - this will no doubt have quite an impact on that childs future.  There is no doubt in my mind that the young people who took part in these riots were not generally from homes with a stable, positive home-life.  I believe that this along with the effects of high unemployment rates, poverty and inequality among this social group have helped create a generation of disempowered individuals.  I read a very interesting comment the other day, someone was wondering what the answers would be if they asked the youths involved with the riots what their best family memories were.  I think we all know what their answers would be - few and far between.

So what has all this got to do with Nurturing Stanley?  I started thinking about Attachment Parenting, which Stanley and I naturally fell into.  I honestly believe that if the parents of the rioters had followed the basics of this there would have been much less likelihood of the outcome we saw last weekend.  The aim of Attachment parenting is based upon the child forming strong 'secure attachments' with its primary caregivers.  This is not a new theory by any means, Psychologist John Bowlby was the first attachment theorist, describing attachment as a "lasting psychological connectedness between human beings". Bowlby believed that the earliest bonds formed by children with their caregivers have a tremendous impact that continues throughout life.  It is well known that a few of the long-term beneficial effects of having a secure attachment with your mother or primary caregiver include:-

• Positive self image and high self esteem - the positivity from the way the parent sees and treats the child in turn becomes the way the child sees and treats themselves.
• Autonomy and Determination (with good problem solving skills) - having a 'secure base' develops creativity and mastery, leading to a 'I can do this attitude' whilst knowing he can return for help at anytime.
• Holding a positive view of themselves and others - having a secure attachment generally leads to perceiving the world as a non-threatening place and having a positive view of others.
• Strong relationships - the constant of having a caring affectionate mother paves the way to building and maintaining both long term friendships and intimate relationships - trust, intimacy and positive expectations are second nature.
• Good coping mechanisms - Having hope, a positive outlook on life and good self esteem, along with the ability to reach out for support help securely attached children deal more effectively with emotional challenges, stress and trauma.

Of course like I said previously there will be other complexities in these young peoples lives which I may not even have considered, but creating a strong bond with our children is something we can all do if we put effort and time into our relationships.  It may well create a happier, better socially adapted young adult who has considerations for others and positive expectations for their own future; which sadly was definitely something lacking in those individuals who chose to riot last weekend. 

Thank you for taking the time to read this, your comments are welcome as always.

xx

"Hold my hand Mummy"

This is a photograph of Stanley holding my hand.  He is a month away from his third birthday, it is hard to believe how quick the last 35 months have passed.
This photo was taken during the drive home from a camping holiday in France.  We were sat in the back together watching Toy Story under a duvet, as comfy as you can be while strapped into car seats.  A few minutes into the film he looked at me, smiled and said, "Hold my hand Mummy."
Life with Stanley is so precious.

I didn't really think about it until a friend commented on the picture on Facebook that I will come to treasure this photo, for one day Stanleys' hand will be bigger than mine.  It is so true; infancy and childhood is fleeting.  I believe we should try to make the most of our time with our children; not battle with them to shape them to what we want them to be, for it is a journey and relationship that over time will change.  Our children will not be forever dependant upon us as parents, I would like to think that building a relationship with Stanley based upon love, trust and mutual respect is perhaps what will keep us close when the time comes that Stanleys' hand is bigger than mine.

It is funny that at the time a somewhat insignificant picture can turn into something that is quite pivotal in terms of being a parent.  Does anyone else have any moments they would like to share which defined them as a parent, or cemented their way of thinking in terms of motherhood?

Respecting Stanley

Mutual respect is not something you hear much about when you have a new baby.  But of late I have thought increasingly about whether the parenting techniques we use widely in Western society create a mutual respect between parent and child.  It never crossed my mind in the first couple of years but as Stanley is growing up and beginning to assert himself, ensuring I am respecting his opinions and views is becoming more important to me as his mother.

From birth Stanleys needs were met as instantly as possible; whether it was to feed, to sleep (or not!), to cuddle, to play.  This route felt most comfortable to me, following my maternal instinct in meeting my babies needs and providing comfort before he barely 'asked'.  However, this seems to get more complicated as your baby turns into a little person, with their own mind, views and opinions.

There is a pressure in society to get your child to conform; especially in public situations.  Unfortunately we live in a judgmental society where a toddlers temper tantrums will generally be met with rolling eyes, tutting and general disdain.  In all honesty I do find these situations quite hard, but every single time it has happened I can look back with hindsight and see I did not empathise with Stanleys feelings and frustrations enough, which in turn exacerbated the whole episode.  But the pressure of it being a social situation I believe affects my ability to think as I would normally, presumably because, very sadly I am too busy worrying about what other people are thinking.  I am however learning, like we all are, and take on board past experiences to become a better mother, for at the end of the day Stanleys well-being far outweighs what a stranger thinks of my parenting or my son.

I think in general I do try to empathise and take account of Stanleys views fairly well on a general basis.  I try not to manipulate him into doing things too regularly (although sometimes this is unavoidable), while letting him play freely and explore without too much input from myself.   I personally find it extremely hard when I hear about children being forced into situations, for instance, not leaving the table until they have eaten all their dinner.  A child Stanleys age has his own mind, and I feel situations such as this disrespects the child completely.  As an adult some days I may not eat so much and there are foods I dislike and do not eat;  I would feel very angry and upset if someone forced me to sit down and eat, and I fail to see how a toddler or young child is any different.  I believe as parents it is of utmost importance to respect Stanley.  For if he does not get respect from the people he is closest to - his mother and father, how is he ever going to learn he himself is worthy of respect from others and his views and opinions are valued?

Of course there are times when Stanleys wishes are secondary to a safety aspect.  For instance taking his arms out of his car seat straps is a current issue; but taking on-board and understanding his 'discomfort' in the seat, explaining why he has to wear a seat belt and distracting him from it seems to be best way of dealing with it for now. 

I do not want to be a dictator in Stanleys life, I would much rather be a guide he knew was always there and felt he could call upon when needed.  I want him to learn from me, feel worthy of expressing his opinions and make decisions by himself in time; and my hope is by respecting his feelings and empathising with him now, it may just help. 

I'll end this piece with a wonderful quote by Jonas Salk (1914-95) - an American Medical reseacher - "Good parents give their children Roots and Wings. Roots to know where home is and wings to fly away and exercise what's been taught to them." They sound like wise words to me.

"Rod for your own back"

How many times do we, as mothers, get told we are creating a "rod for your own back" from "helpful" friends and acquaintances?

Everybody is an expert when it comes to parenting, and many cannot help themselves but to "share their knowledge"......and I put my hands up, if I meet a mother who is breastfeeding her baby, I do go all out to tell her what a wonderful thing she is doing, and give what I think is helpful advice if asked!

It has got me thinking though, has Stanley become this "rod" that everyone talks about?  The short answer is 'No'.  Perhaps, had I not made the decision to bed-share, or extended breastfeed I may be unhappy with the situation, but the truth is these decisions make life very easy indeed.  For instance Stanley fell asleep last night in what must be a world record for him, 90 seconds! This was 90 seconds of breastfeeding before he unlatched and fell asleep.  He never fights his sleep at bedtime, he is more than happy to head upstairs, clean his toothy pegs, read a short story and snuggle up with Mummy and comforting breast milk, then drift very peacefully off to sleep.  Bedtime in our house really is lovely, however, without a quick breastfeed I have no idea how bedtimes would change.  I think those days  may not be too far away, but I am in no rush for this to change; for like everything else it will be a natural transition. 

Parental expectation, I believe, plays a huge part in how we perceive our children.  At no point in time have I expected Stanley to be weaned, or "sleeping-through" in his own bed at a certain age, so there is no disappointment on my part that we haven't reached this stage.  I know it will come in time, but of course to those outside looking in on my life, many would still perceive Stanley to be this "rod" for my back.  Ultimately though I know the benefits to Stanley in choosing to "still" provide him with comfort at my breast and the luxury of sharing the family-bed, and that is enough for me.

"When are you having another one then?"

I get asked this question on a weekly basis.  I do not mind being asked, in fact, I think it is good to think about it, and it has got me thinking.....when is the right time to have another baby?

There is no doubt that over the last few weeks I am noticeably more broody.  I am unsure if this is simply a change in me, or the secondary effects of Stanleys (who is now 34 months old) reduced breastfeeding; thus a hormonal driven change.

We have been thinking about the logistics of having another baby for a while.  For instance, should we have another baby when Stanley is at Pre-School, or wait until he goes to School when he is 5 years old?  When I go back to work having had a second baby how on earth do you drop your children off in two different places and manage to get to work yourself?  The main reason I find it so difficult to make a decision is that ultimately I want what is best for Stanley.  I would like a new baby in the family to be as small a disruption as possible to him, for I am acutely aware family dynamics will change irreversibly.  I have tried my utmost in the last 34 months to be as gentle and 'Stanley-led' as possible in my parenting, hence making natural decisions such as bed-sharing and extended breastfeeding.  My hope is that another sibling does not arrive until Stanley is old enough to have an understanding of the change, thus being able to deal with it better in himself.   I think it is safe to say when we choose to have another baby it, as Stanley, will be breastfed on demand and will bed-share from the very beginning.  Therefore with a small age gap between children my on-going concern is that this new arrival will rock Stanleys little world negatively, making him feel insecure and jealous, hence since Stanley was born I have always leaned towards a 3.5 year plus age gap.

From what I have read (which is purely opinion, rather than fact) it seems jealousy of a new siblings peaks between 18-36 months.  So having a baby at this time I think would mean a lot of extra pressure on Mum and Dad to make the change as gentle as possible on the older child, as well as finding time to bond and meet the needs of the newborn.  Stanley will be 3 years old in just a couple of months and being honest I think I would have, and probably still would at the moment, find it difficult to parent him in the way I have done and that he has become accustomed too, as well as finding time to spend nurturing my newborn.  Stanley has been known to throw quite dramatic tantrums, and not infrequently, so it has crossed my mind when one of these is happening, how on earth I would manage to keep a level head whilst trying to gently calm him down and tend to a baby?  I feel it would have been an injustice to Stanley to have had a new baby in the last year or so, I really don't believe he would have had the attention he deserves, however of course had it happened there is no doubt he would have adjusted to the change, just as I would have done.

Due to the fact I am definitely coming around to the idea of having a new baby I found it so interesting to read about the 'natural child spacing' that occurs in tribes who have no formal 'family planning', but rely solely on the contraceptive effects of breastfeeding.  In Western society it is no longer possible to rely on breastfeeding as a contraceptive past say the first 6 months; and this is only when you are feeding your baby on demand (day and night) and not supplementing the baby at all with any other milk, or water.  Once you start giving foods, or drinks, or supplement with formula, the contraceptive effect diminishes.  The pressure on mothers to wean their children from the breast is immense.  In reality you can carry on breastfeeding past 6 months and still go back to work, but in the UK this is not considered the norm.  The fact that we, as mothers, go back to work will mean a feeding schedule of some sort is enforced.  Stanley without doubt went without milk when I went back to work, I did 4-5 hour shifts, either morning or afternoon, and he did miss a feed or two in this time.  However he had the luxury of breastfeeding at night so could make up for these missed feeds, a process known as 'reverse cycling'.

So going back to these tribes and the main reason for this post, 'natural child spacing'.  One tribe called the !Kung San, hunter-gatherers in North-Western Botswana have been studied quite extensively.  Konner (1978)  noted that most children weaned after 3 years old, and at this age children woke once a night to nurse (as Stanley does).  Now the difference is that these !Kung tribe children nurse frequently, but briefly throughout the day up until the age of 3 (minimum), thus the contraceptive effect of breastfeeding is prolonged.  Wickes (1953) survey found 'natural birth spacing' for the !Kung tribe is very long because of this with an average of a 44 months (3 years 8 months) between siblings. This is not the only tribe where this has been noted, Kippley (1989) found the Gainj tribe of Papua New Guinea will feed their children on demand, and like the !Kung tribe, very frequently, up to 48 feeds in 24 hours.  This is an absolute world away from Western feeding schedules, where there is a focus upon leaving as much time as possible between feeds, both day and night.  I think it may be wise to question why we need all this time between feeds, who says it is actually for the best? (other than some parenting guru's) - it is certainly not best if we want the contraceptive effect of breasteeding.

Ultimately I feel it is instinctual and very natural to reach the point where you want another baby, and this feeling within me is no doubt getting stronger.  Deciding to have another baby is such a personal decision and of course writing a list of the pro's and con's is helpful, but ultimately not the be all and end all in the decision making process.  Thinking about it logistically at the moment in terms of my family is beneficial to me, in that it is making me take on board the effects it will have on Stanley.  As parents we have to make decisions that are right for our families, and this will no be different in every family, for I have seen very happy children with very short child spacing, and conversely with long spacing. 

Thank you for reading this piece, writing this has been so beneficial to me for the findings appear to back up my instinct that for my family, a bigger gap will hopefully be best for Stanley, and my family as a whole.

References.

Kippley S (1989). Breastfeeding and Natural Child Spacing. New York: Harper and Row.

Konner M (1978). Nursing Frequency and Birth Spacing in !Kung hunter-gathers. IPPF Med Bull. April 15(2): 1-3.

Wickes IG (1953). A History of Infant Feeding. Archives of Diseases in Childhood.

Breast Milk and Cancer.

Over the last two years I have read bits and pieces about breast milk and its links to lower cancer rates for both mum and baby, and more recently a study about breast milk shrinking cancerous bladder tumours.  So this piece discusses this research, and specifically the benefits breastfeeding brings to both mother and baby.

Breast cancer is the most common of all female cancers in the UK, with breast cancer accounting for 31% of all cancers in women.  What this means is that 1 in 8 women will get breast cancer at some point in their life (Sasieni 2011).  This is a scary statistic.  What I have discovered from reading up on this is that we can halve our daughters risk of getting breast cancer in two ways.  By breastfeeding our daughters, it will decrease the likelihood of them getting breast cancer in future, and their risk is reduced again if they themselves choose to breastfeed their own children (which is of course more likely if they as infants were breastfed).  Freudenheim et al. (1994) and Barba et al. (2005) research found women who were breastfed, even if only for a short period have a 25% lower risk of developing breast cancer in comparison with those who were formula fed.  The Collaborative Group on Hormonal Factors in Breast Cancer (2002) study found that a womans risk of breast cancer is reduced by 4.1% for every 12 months she breastfeeds her children.  So breastfeeding your baby protects and lessens the risk of breast cancer for you and your baby.  An interesting question which could be raised having read this is, as breast cancer rates have increased over the last few decades, could it be in part because less women have chosen to breastfeed, thus women have missed out on the beneficial protective effects?  I am not saying it rids the risk of breast cancer, but research suggests it could well halve the risk of getting breast cancer from 1 in 8,  to 1 in 16 (Dettwyler 1995). Breastfeeding has also been found to reduce the risk of Ovarian, Endometrial and Uterine cancer in breastfeeding mothers, as well as rates of Osteoporosis and Rheumatoid Arthritis.

Breastfeeding is also being researched in terms of its protective effects against childhood cancers. Mathur et al. (1993) study found that breastfeeding has a protective element against childhood cancers. They found that this protective element is stronger in those who have been exclusively breastfed.  This research which was based in India concluded that the lower rates of childhood cancers in India could possibly be down to the higher rates of breastfeeding in India and the protective immunological effect this has.  Martin et al. (2005) research also suggests breastfeeding does have a protective effect as regards childhood cancers, albeit small, but worthwhile all the same.

The most recent piece of breast milk research as regards cancer really took me by surprise.  As you know I have always been very pro-breastfeeding, and think the benefits my son is getting from breast milk are fantastic, but the research that has found breast milk 'kills' cancer cells really astonished me.  It really highlights how little we know about breast milk.  Mossberg et al. (2010) studied HAMLET (Human Alpha-lactalbumin Made LEthal to Tumor cells).  Alpha-lactalbumin is the primary protein in human breast milk and to simplify the process it has been found to induce cancer cell death, whilst preserving the healthy cells.  This was found in human trials where it was found to 'kill' bladder cancer by injecting it into the cancer cells; whilst under labratory conditions has been found to 'kill' over 40 different types of cancer.

Breastfeeding helps protect you from cancer in the future, as well as possibly protecting your children from cancers as they grow.  Breast milk is such an undervalued and undiscovered entity, the fact it has been found to induce cancer cell death only in the last year, simply highlights how amazing breast milk is.



References.

Barba M et al. (2005) Premenopausal women who were heavier than average at birth or had not been breastfed as infants appear to be at increased risk for developing breast cancer. Reported at the American Association for Cancer Research - Annual meeting in Anaheim CA. 

Collaborative Group on Hormonal Factors in Breast Cancer. (2002) Breast Cancer and breastfeeding: collaborative reanalysis of individual data from 47 epidemiological studies in 30 countries including 50302 women with breast cancer and 96973 women without the disease. Lancet. 360(9328): 187-95.

Dettwyler, K (1995) http://www.kathydettwyler.org/detcancer.html - accessed 05/07/2011.

Freudenheim J et al. (1994) Exposure to breast milk in infancy and the risk of breast cancer. Epidemiology. 5: 324-31.

Marin RM, Gunnell D, Owen CG, Smith GD. (2005) Breastfeeding and Childhood Cancer: A systematic review with meta-analysis. International Journal of Cancer. 117(6): 1020-31.

Mathur GP, Gupta N, Mathur S, Gupta V, Pradhan S et al. (1993) Breastfeeding and childhood cancer. Indian Journal of Paediarics. 30(5): 651-7.

Mossberg et al. (2010) HAMLET Interacts with Lipid Membranes and Perturbs Their Structure and Integrity. PLoS ONE. 5(2).

Sasieni PD, Shelton J, Ormiston-Smith NJ, Thomson CS, Silcocks PB. (2011) What is the lifetime risk of developing cancer? The effect of adjusting for multiple primaries.

The 'Family Bed'.

Of all the things I post about co-sleeping seems to raise most interest with others.  Let's start with the basics, the terms: 'co-sleeping', 'bed-sharing', 'sleep-sharing' and the 'family bed' all mean sleeping in close proximity to your baby - either next to you with the baby on a separate sleeping surface, or in bed with you.  Current Department of Health guidelines state babies should sleep in the bedroom with its mother for the first 6 months, this is known as 'room-sharing'.  This is a step put in place to help prevent SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome).

Sharing your bed with your baby is the most natural way to sleep when you have a baby.  We as humans are mammals, and it is important to bear in mind that no other mammal will separate itself from its young to go to sleep.  Up until the 19th Century co-sleeping was the norm in the UK, it was only after this that people starting placing their babies in cribs, and distancing themselves from their young at night.  Of course there is also a cultural aspect to sleep-sharing; Young (1998) found co-sleeping to be a cultural norm for 90% of the worlds population.  Bharti (2006) suggested 93% of children aged 3-10 years old will bed-share in India, and in 1966 research by Caudill and Plath found age 11 to be the average age children make the transition away from the family bed in Japan. I think this information really puts placing our children in cots to sleep into perspective; it is in fact a very recent, Western phenomenon. 

Safe 'co-sleeping' and 'bed-sharing' have been found in many studies to reduce rates of SIDS, contrary of popular belief.  Dr. James J McKenna is the professor of Anthropology at the University of Notre Dame has researched mother-baby relationships and sleep for over 25 years.  His finding suggest that if done safely cosleeping is in fact best for mother and child, and does reduce SIDS rates.  Co-sleeping rates in Japan have always been higher than in Western society.  They generally sleep together on low futons and bed-share with their babies.  Japans bed-sharing rates are increasing whilst the countries SIDS rate is decreasing; this is not a coincidence.  Other factors reducing the Japanese SIDS rates are the virtually non-existant maternal smoking rate, and that approximately 75% of mothers will exclusively breastfeed (McKenna 2007).  Another startling piece of research on SIDS rates was performed by Grether et al (1990), they studied Asian immigrant sub-groups in the USA, whose SIDS rates would be very low in their country of origin.  The results show that as these groups have adopted the American lifestyle overtime, and put their children in cots at night for longer periods of time, the SIDS rates for these ethnic groups have now risen to match the rest of the population in the USA.  So the above studies prove that whilst it is natural, and in most other parts of the world actually normal to bed-share, it is also safer for a breastfed baby.  By sharing a bed you and your baby fall in sync with each other; amazingly your presence regulates your babies heartbeat, breathing and body temperature. 

Bed-sharing with a formula fed baby is different from a baby who is breastfed.  This is due to the hormonal changes the mother experiences when breastfeeding.  These hormones affect maternal behaviour, which was proven in a recent neurological comparison study on breastfeeding and formula mothers brains by Kim et al (2011).  In terms of co-sleeping this means that breastfeeding mothers will be more aware innately aware of the babies presence and as such be more responsive.  The two important hormones are Oxytocin and Prolactin.  Oxytocin is also known as 'the love hormone' for it has a strong role in maternal bonding, thus backing up the findings the above study; whilst Prolactin is the lactation hormone.  Prolactin levels are highest overnight, therefore mother who co-sleeps will tend to have a more plentiful milk supply than one who does not.  A formula feeding mother will have decreased levels of these both of these hormones, which will impact upon how responsive they are to the babies cues at night when bed-sharing, and also will mean the mother will enter the deeper stages of sleep that breastfeeding mothers do not.  These factors increase the risk to the baby if a formula feeding mother chooses to co-sleep or bed-share.  As a mother, irrelevant of feeding method, it is your responsibility to weigh up the benefits and risks and make an informed decision.

In terms of the practicalities of co-sleeping and bed-sharing, there are a few issues to consider.  In terms of safety it is very important to think about your bedding.  With a small baby of under a year old you need to be careful with duvets and pillows.  These are heavy and a young baby will not have the strength to kick it off, so it is wise to use layers like sheets and blankets instead of a duvet, whilst keeping pillows away from your baby.  It has become very popular to use 'gro-bags' for children, like sleeping bags, but this is not wise when co-sleeping.  By sleep-sharing with your baby you will regulate your babies temperature, so extra layers like this are unnecessary.  Once the baby starts moving and rolling it is obviously wise to buy a bed guard, and one of my best parenting buys in fact was a soft foam wedge from eBay that stops the baby rolling out the bed, all without a cot type bar in site (I have become quite anti-cot over time, it makes me think of a caged animal, and I can't help thinking limbs are liable to get trapped).  Finally there are a few absolute no-no's in co-sleeping.  Parents should not bed-share or co-sleep if either partner smoke, breathing out second hand smoke in close proximity increases the risk of SIDS significantly.  Also the use of recreational drugs and alcohol will affect how deep the parent falls asleep thus making them less responsive to the baby, again increasing the risk of SIDS. 

As a breastfeeding mother who chose to bed-share initially to get more sleep, I can see how important it is to master the skill of breastfeeding a baby lying down.  Sears (1995) research found that in the early days where night-feeds are routine (and of course normal), breastfeeding and bed-sharing mothers slept for longer at night than any other group.  It is a skill, and in some cases will take a while to master, presumably because the horizontal positioning will alter the babies latch, but it really is worth persevering with.  Breastfed babies who share your bed rarely wake in the night, because when they start stirring they quickly find the breast and fall back to sleep, barely even waking the mother during the process.

I made the decision to co-sleep naturally, it just felt right, and to be honest there was little consultation with my husband, as he tended to be asleep for the night-feeds anyway.  I think he had justifiable concerns once it became apparent we were bed-sharing full time.  Fathers in general are not as responsive to a baby in the bed as the mother (referring back to the maternal hormones) so in the early days it is important that the baby sleeps on the mothers side, after approximately 6-12 months this becomes much less of an issue.  My husband quite often wakes up with Stanley draped across him nowadays!  I think waking up next to your smiling baby, hearing all the little night-time chuckles, and of late the 'sleep talking' makes it so worth it.  Our bed is a 'family bed' - mother, father and child. Normal and natural.  Of course whenever I speak to people about this arrangement the topic that is bought up most is when do my husband and I get "time together".  I think you just have to be open minded about where you have that time together....I do not remember reading anything after I got married about how that time has to be spent in the marital bed!

So all in all it is fair to say we inadvertently fell into co-sleeping.  My maternal instinct influenced the decision and it was became convenient for all the family - a mother who gets more sleep, a baby that barely wakes to feed, and a father who sleeps through the night.  No adult chooses to sleep alone if they have the option to share sleep with the people they love most, and I fail to see how this should be any different for a child.  As it turns out, after researching co-sleeping for some time there are many more benefits to bed-sharing than I have mentioned in this blog, for instance a time to reconnect and bond when parents work throughout the day.  Research also suggests children of bed-sharers thrive emotionally, physically and intellectually, and go on to have strong bonds with their parents well into the future, Sears (2011).   And these factors are enough to keep us bed-sharing until maternal instinct and Stanley suggests otherwise.

Thank you for taking the time to read this blog, and I'll post again soon.

References. 

Bharti B. (2006) Patterns and problems of sleep in school going children Indian Pediatr. Jan; 43(1):35–8


Caudill W, Plath DW. (1966) Who Sleeps by Whom? Parent-Child Involvement in Urban Japanese Families. Psychiatry 29: 344–366.

Grether JK, Schulman J, Croen LA. (1990) Sudden infant death syndrome among Asians in California. The Journal of Pediatrics. 116 (4) 525-8.

Kim P, Feldman R, Mayes LC, Eicher V, Thompson N, Leckman JF, Swain JE. (2011) Breastfeeding, brain activation to own infant cry, and maternal sensitivity. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry.

McKenna J (2007). Sleeping With Your Baby: A Parents Guide To Cosleeping. Platypus Press.

Sears, W. (1995). SIDS: A parent's guide to understanding and preventing Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Boston: Little, Brown, and Company.

Sears, W. (2011) http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/sleep-problems/co-sleeping-yes-no-sometimes [accessed 24/06/2011]

 Young, J. (1998). Babies and bedsharing. Midwifery Digest. 8. 364-369.

Why Do I Post About Parenting?

I have been doing a lot of thinking over the past few days about why I have become so outspoken in how we have chosen to bring up Stanley.  I am aware that these posts are read by family members and friends, and am also aware that some people would probably rather I did not do this.  I think it's possible family members may find my posts embarrassing.....yet still something in me drives me to share the interesting things I find.

It dawned of me last night the real reason as to why I am so outspoken about subjects, which I think it would be fair to say, are not the necessarily the norm in the UK.  I believe, rightly or wrongly, that if I do not discuss openly what I am doing and decisions I have made, I am quietly accepting that it is 'wrong' or 'abnormal', along with the thoughts of the majority in mainstream society.  I am not ashamed at all of what I am doing; breastfeeding a 33 month old may not be the norm in the UK, but it is certainly not wrong, and I refuse to hide it, to protect others feeling 'uncomfortable'.  The fact that breastfeeding past 6 months in the UK is so uncommon is an issue with the society we live in; so it is no wonder women feel pressurised to wean their children.  The World Health Organisation recommend breastfeeding to a minimum of 2 years old; and any breastfeeding mother whose child has reached their 2nd birthday know that actually there are few reasons to stop at that milestone that are in the childs best interests.  In reality I feel really proud that Stanley and I have come this far in our breastfeeding relationship, in the first week or so I did not think we would manage it at all; and of course now he is older he feeds less and less, and one day, he will wean.  When that day comes I know it will be bittersweet, but I will be so happy that Stanley has been fortunate enough to receive the benefits of breast-milk for so long, and that I had not pressured him to wean sooner than he was ready because society states it's not 'normal'.

I stand by the fact that by writing this blog and posting on Facebook it may educate others and help people feel more confident in following their own maternal instincts, but irrelevent of this fact I think to stop posting now would be me accepting I should conform with society and that I should be ashamed of breastfeeding and co-sleeping a child of Stanleys age; and that just isn't going to happen!

Thanks for reading, hope to update again soon!

Parenting Decisions & Friendships.

Becoming a parent is the most life changing thing that will happen to you.  One day life is simple, it is all about you, no-one dependant on you, it is a fairly worry-free existence.  Then you become a mother and all your focus is aimed upon protecting and nurturing your beautiful baby.  From that day on life is never the same.

Becoming a parent changes you irreversibly, or it did me anyway.  What I did not realise at the time was 'how' you parent your child will change your relationship with others, and 'how' you parent will impact upon how others will treat you.

I think it is fair to say that I am an outspoken individual and over the last few weeks have discovered that my posting on Facebook about the things that interest me most, for instance breastfeeding, has caused friction among people I know.  Why do the decisions we make in bringing up our children cause such a stir with other people?  Everyone who knows me well knows that since having Stanley I have found a passion in motherhood.  I may not be mainstream in my decisions, which perhaps is what drives me to 'share' interesting things I find - to let others know if your maternal instinct takes you down this route too, then it's okay.  Good friends will also know that I am not judging other people when they do things differently.  Ultimately this would leave me with a very limited number of friends, and the last thing I intend to do is offend people with anything I post.

The majority of the friends I have are ones I went to school with.  Many of these have had children themselves and although we have all made different decisions in the parenting of our children, remain good friends.  They may well not agree or understand the decisions I have made to co-sleep or breastfeed for this 'extended' period; just as they have made decisions I may not necessarily choose.  But there is no judgement.  We are all good parents finding our own way with mutual respect for each other which has developed over time.

This is not to say that parenting decisions have no impact upon friendships.  For instance, finding a friend who shares your parenting ideals (whether it be mainstream or otherwise) is very comforting.  I know this first hand.  It has been utterly heartwarming to have recently met a friend who is very much similar to me in terms of the decisions we have made as parents.  The fact that we have this in common is central to our friendship, at the beginning when you know little about each other, it is what binds you together. 

So why does me posting cause rifts with not necessarily close friends, but say acquaintances? Is it because they think I am judging the parenting decisions they themselves made?  Do they take my posts as a personal insult?  If either of these are true I feel saddened, as this is not the aim in my posts, and I hope they never come across as such.  My posts are simply highlighting the things I have chosen to do, they should not be taken as what I think everybody should do, just opening other peoples eyes to less mainstream options.

I do understand of course that the issues I post about will provoke people. Subjects such as breastfeeding is something I could talk for hours about (as my husband knows!), and I feel quite sure a lot of people feel the same, no matter their stance on the subject.  I do feel cautious when posting about breastfeeding as there will always be the women who tried, and didn't manage to breastfeed past the first few, most difficult weeks.  For them especially this is a sensitive subject, and I in no way mean to belittle that.  However in my mind they should not feel guilty.  They gave it their best shot, and in all likelihood, it was not them who failed, but the system.  Women who give birth and want to breastfeed know very little other than the NHS message 'Breast Is Best'.  They (this included me prior to having Stanley) are usually unaware of the common problems most mums encounter in the first few days and weeks, and unaware of the reality of how often a newborn breastfed baby will feed (until the milk supply is well established), unless they have done this research themselves.  So when their baby is born, their milk hasn't come in yet, the babies crying and 'well-meaning' family and friends are advising to give the baby a bottle of formula, you can understand how so many give up so soon.  But I reiterate this is not the failing of a mother, but the whole pre-natal breastfeeding education and post natal support system.  I mean why on earth are National Childbirth Trust and La Leche League 24 hour breastfeeding telephone numbers not given to all new mothers when they have their baby?  And why do so few Midwives and Health Visitors specialise in breastfeeding, surely this should be central to the role?

I question why any mother would have an issue with my posts if they have made the decision to feed their baby artificial milk from day one.  Recent figures show that approximately 25% of women will do this.  I of course do not understand why they would make this decision, but feel as they themselves made this decision, they should be least bothered by my posting.  Presumably they knew all the facts and made an informed decision to feed their babies artificial milk?  If not, then maybe they will learn something and know for next time?  Alot of parenting is about learning from your mistakes, with your first baby you have never done this before, so of course we all do things at times that with hindsight we would change.

The question is should I stop posting?  Stop talking about these things that interest me most, for fear of offending people?  My posts appear to be drawing people in, as well as pushing people away.  I love the fact people reading my posts are people from all walks of life, and not all mothers yet, I find it absolutely fantastic.  Reading things like this before your baby is born, will hopefully give you greater inner confidence when you do become a mother.  But then some people read them, presumably take it as a personal attack on their parenting, and you know that whatever "friendship" we had, my posting has severed.  Realistically not everyone is going to like what I have written (and will write in future), and if people feel personally judged by what I have written I am sorry for this is not my aim.  But at the end of the day I, like anybody, want supportive people around me - irrelevant of what parenting path we choose to raise our children, and from that point of view, I do not feel like I have lost anything at all.

Maternal Instinct

Maternal instinct as we all know is something I believe to be very important, but sadly feel modern parenting 'techniques' ignore this innate aspect of being a mother.

I am fortunate to have been confident enough, and had lots of brilliant support, to be able to follow my natural instincts from birth.  Stanley was breastfed on demand from birth, has never been left to cry and stayed with me 24/7 unless it was absolutely necessary to leave him.  For instance, the first time I left him properly was when he was 4 months old and I had to have an operation under general anaesthetic.  I discussed with the anaesthetist that I was breastfeeding, and needed to have an anaesthetic compatable with this.  I made the nurses aware that as soon as I woke up, I wanted Stanley there to feed him.  They were in fact very accomodating, putting me first to the top of the queue for theatre so Chris and Stanley were not hanging around too long.  After this I didn't leave Stanley again until I had to go back to work.  There was no need to.  I enjoyed being at home in the evenings rather than yearning to 'go out', happy feeding my son to sleep and feel the same about these things today, so it has never crossed my mind to do things any different.  What I don't know is, is this just part of what makes me, 'me'? Do some people have much stronger maternal instincts than others? Am I just lucky enough to have a supportive husband who trusted my instinct rather than talking me into other, perhaps more conventional ways? I don't know the answer.

I am very fortunate to have a job where I get to meet a lot of new mothers and have a bit of time to discuss parenting with them.  I do meet a lot of mothers who do not seem to be very confident in themselves as a parent, have unreal expectations of motherhood and the baby, and look to books to give them routines.  These books are hugely common, one well known parenting 'guru' has sold over 2 million copies of her book which dictates an eating, playing, napping and sleeping schedule for baby from day one.  Personally, I would have found this impossible to follow.  Putting my baby in it's own room and not feeding it until a certain time would have gone against everything my body was telling me.  It would have ended our breastfeeding relationship before it barely begun, for the early days (say the first six weeks of the babies life) are all about establishing a good milk supply by feeding on demand.  I also think following a routine such as this would have impacted upon the bond Stanley and I have created, which breastfeeding has always been a part of.  I think it's all very good writing a baby book about implementing routines, I mean anybody could do that; but writing one that actually takes into account a mother instincts would surely be better for both mother and baby in the long run?

It surprised me to discover that many of these parenting 'gurus' don't actually have children themselves.  I find it rather funny that should any of these women have gone on to have a child after writing their manuals they may have had a very big fight on their hands with that good friend of mine, 'maternal instinct'.  I suppose it is very easy to write that you should delay feeding the baby until a certain time, or not look at the baby at night-time, or ignore a babies cry, that is until that cry is a baby of your own.  I meet many mums who have talked about their use of 'controlled crying', in fact it really should be called 'controlled comforting', and say how hard it is to listen to their babies cry.  The reason it is hard to hear is our maternal instinct.  It is us telling ourselves it is wrong and our baby needs us; for milk, for affection, for comfort.  These manuals have created unreal expectations for mothers, who want their babies sleeping through the night by 8 weeks and feeding not more than 4 hourly.  This is not a reality for breastfeeding mothers, but seeing as breastfeeding rates are so low, we don't hear much about what is 'normal' for a breastfed baby.  I believe that that most babies following these routines by 6 weeks are fed artificial milk, possibly because the schedule did not give them the opportunity to establish a good milk supply in the early days.

What I would say is if mothers choose to follow these routines, be confident enough to follow your innate maternal instincts too.  It's so important, listen to your babies needs, and remember comfort is a need, not a want in a baby.

As the mother of that beautiful baby, you are the most important person in your babies life; and following your maternal instincts are more than enough to guide you through the early days.