My little boys, big bed.

My little Stanley is nearly 3, it is just one week until his Birthday.  In his whole life we have not spent a night apart.  It has been perfect, and in my opinion, absolutely the best thing for both him and us.  He has had unlimited access to breast milk and cuddles, it has been excellent for bonding and I at the same time have been able to get a good nights sleep, without proper wake ups.  I am the biggest advocate for safe bed-sharing.

I had always planned for Stanley to have his own proper bedroom, and of course before he was born his 'nursery' was set up like any other babies' with a cot taking centre stage in the newly decorated room.  This was of course what society expects you to do when you have a baby, I had not opened my eye's to other options of where a baby sleeps.  I have my mother, father and husband to thank (as well as choosing to follow my own maternal instinct), for without their support I may not have fallen into bed-sharing quite so quickly and happily.  I will admit the cot did get some use; it became very good storage for clothes and nappies.  I will also add that Stanley never actually slept in his cot, well apart from one 20 minute afternoon nap!  It has dawned on me that I have a real dislike for cots, I think it's down to the bars.  I hate the thought of a baby behind these bars, and I fail to see how limbs do not get trapped in them on a regular basis.

I had it in the back of my mind for a while that we would get Stanley a proper 'big bed' of his own around his 3rd birthday.  Instinct lead me to believe that this would be a good time in terms of him having an understanding (and excitement) of having his own space and bed, as well as being aware that Mummy and Daddy were only a few metres away.  I feel acutely aware that newborns and small babies who wake up without their mum beside them do not realise where its mother is, and will automatically cry, assuming it has been abandoned.  This is just the nature of being a mammal with primal instincts.

So it happened that we found a bed that would be perfect for Stanleys room a few weeks ago, and we set it up with his own Toy Story bedding.  Stanley did not seem worried at all that he wouldn't be in the big bed with us, as we talked about falling asleep in his new bed.  Had he at any point been upset by the process we would have happily delayed it, for Stanley's well-being is of the utmost importance.

Stanley jumping on his own 'big bed' for the first time!

The first night Stanley fell asleep in his own bed was 20th August 2011.  He made no fuss about falling asleep that night and it was made quite clear that Mummy and Daddy were not far away and he was welcome in the big bed, that night, and every other night to follow.  And this remains to be true, I believe Chris & I will always have an 'open door policy' when it comes to our children (hopefully, one day, there will be more little Hamblings) in our big bed. 

So Stanley has gone to sleep in his bed for the last 11 nights.  We have led together on his bed, read some bedtime stories, and he has fallen asleep whilst having cuddles and breast milk.  He has woken up nightly (and interestingly later at night than he normally would have when he was in our bed).  I hear "mine Mummy" being called, and I take that as my call to go to his room to snuggle up next to him, feed him and drift back off to sleep.  I did initially intend to get out and go back to the big bed, but sleep comes all to easily; I blame those breastfeeding-sleepiness hormones!  What surprises me is that he calls for me, well calls "mine Mummy" (which I do find quite funny, I mean who else's Mummy does he expect to join him!?).  I imagined a sleepy little boy crawling into our bed, rather than a sleepy mummy heading to his bed to join him!

For any bed-sharers out there wondering when the best time to start the transition to a seperate bed would be, the answer has to be very simply when you are both ready.  Stanleys sleep/feed pattern has not altered much since he was 20 months old, when he went through a developmental leap of eating more during the day, and having longer stretches between feeds at night (apart from when teething).  This means in theory we could have bought him a bed and done this well over a year ago, physically he was possibly ready, but I believe emotionally both he and I were not ready for this shift.  This has been a time when following my maternal instinct has taken control and led the decision making process.

How did I feel the first few nights? In one word: Anxious.  It took me back to the very beginning when part of me would dread Stanley's next feed (we struggled establishing breastfeeding in the very early days).  I felt anxious that Stanley would be upset waking up to find me not there, I worried he would cry.  I am not surprised that Stanley sleeping seperately (at least for the beginning of the night) had this effect on me.  At night time for very close to 3 years I have never had to even think about how Stanley is, all I have had to do was open my eyes.  Obviously for me too this has been a big transition to and one that only now I am really adjusting to.  I have to say the nicest aspect of the process to me is that Stanley is not upset, he just calls for me, no tears.  Had there been any tears or upset I am 100% sure he would be back in our bed full-time and we would try again at a later date, when he is physically and emotionally ready.  It is early days but so far it has been a smooth, problem free transition, and I have found it definitely has it's benefits too!  One of the main reasons we decided to get Stanley his own bed was because we were disturbing him.  We are not particularly noisy when we get into bed, but hopping in and out of the en-suite, flushing the toilet, lights going on and off, and getting into bed was definitely making him stir prematurely from his slumber!  And I have to say I like the fact I can put my bedside light on without worrying and read my book before bed, I have missed that. 

I think that at the moment I am getting the best of both worlds; reading a good book before bed and middle of the night snuggles with my boy. 

Life is good; and as for the fate of the cot, well that is going on eBay, I think it is safe to say I will not be using one next time around either!

My little Stanley asleep in his own bed for the first time - 20th August 2011.

On Reflection.....

This is just a short reflective piece of writing about the little boy Stanley has become.  As you all know maternal instinct drove me to parent in the way that felt most comfortable to me.  It's been fairly easy ride in comparison to others, and I have gone out of my way not to make a big deal of the small things, and not compare Stanley to other children.  However when I look back, with hindsight I don't believe I was 100% sure I was doing what was best for Stanley (I was just following my maternal instinct), I mean how do you know you are going to create a happy, well-adjusted child at the end of it?  Especially when other peoples children act and seem different to your own.  My point is you don't know, you just have to do what feels best to you as their mother.  It would be so easy as a mother to turn your back on your own maternal instincts and take the well-meaning, but usually ill-informed advice from others.

I had a few concerns when Stanley was a toddler, not big ones, but I worried all the same that he was quite a 'clingy' toddler (I am sorry to use the term 'clingy' - I really dislike it now, and since then I have learnt it's a completely normal, and natural process of forming a strong attachment).  I was concerned I was creating a fearful, introverted, timid child.  And although I did not ever want to compare Stanley to others I found it difficult as friends toddlers did seem more advanced socially. 

With hindsight I really wish I not not spent a second on troubling myself with these thoughts.  I have fairly recently come to realise that Stanley is as gregarious and fearless as they come.  He is very confident and outgoing, happy to chatter and play with other children.  He is loving and sensitive, although prone to hugging other children he may not know very well!  I am so happy about the personality which is forming, it is great for him, I honestly would have felt like I had let him down had he been fearful and introverted.  Obviously an easy target of blame would have been the style of parenting I had chosen if that had been the case.

So now what I wonder is, would Stanley be the same little gregarious, fearless little boy without the bed-sharing, extended breastfeeding, or if he had been left to cry.  No one can answer this question.  But the studies suggest attachment parenting will increase a child's confidence, whilst leaving a child to cry on nightly basis to 'aid' sleep (what a joke, whose sleep is this meant to aid I wonder?) could well help create an insecure child.  This leaves me sure that of course 'nature' is important factor in the person Stanley will become, but I now think and see proof that attached parenting is also playing a very beneficial part in the journey too.

Rioting and Attachment.

Last week it was difficult to get away from the endless coverage of the London riots (and latterly other UK cities).  It shocked me to watch it, as I think it did most other people, and got me thinking about how these young people got to the point in their lives where this anti-social, destructive behaviour (to themselves and their community) is acceptable.  The young people committing these crimes were once babies, and then young children; they were not destined to do this.  I believe factors in their lives have shaped them, thus leading them up this path.  There is no doubt that ultimately they had a choice, no-one was forcing them to loot, but I believe other factors led them to see this as an appropriate way to act; whether it be linked to their family and upbringing, or important factors such as education, poverty and inequality.

On August 4th this year (just a day or so before the first riots) the BBC news website published an article called 'Parents should follow five-step approach'.  Chris Paterson who wrote the report states "the most important factor influencing a child's intellectual and social development was the quality of parenting and care they received."  Whilst Ms Teather, the Childrens Minister states "Raising greater awareness of the importance of high quality parenting skills and building strong family relationships for children in the foundation years and beyond is invaluable."  The  5-a day approach consists of reading with your child for 15 minutes, playing for 10 minutes, talking for 20 minutes with the TV turned off, giving you child a nutritious diet, and adopting a positive attitude towards your child, ie: praising them frequently.  This is good if people take note of this who are not giving their children the attention the deserve, but it made me think how many people raise their children with a negative attitude, and giving their children such little attention - this will no doubt have quite an impact on that childs future.  There is no doubt in my mind that the young people who took part in these riots were not generally from homes with a stable, positive home-life.  I believe that this along with the effects of high unemployment rates, poverty and inequality among this social group have helped create a generation of disempowered individuals.  I read a very interesting comment the other day, someone was wondering what the answers would be if they asked the youths involved with the riots what their best family memories were.  I think we all know what their answers would be - few and far between.

So what has all this got to do with Nurturing Stanley?  I started thinking about Attachment Parenting, which Stanley and I naturally fell into.  I honestly believe that if the parents of the rioters had followed the basics of this there would have been much less likelihood of the outcome we saw last weekend.  The aim of Attachment parenting is based upon the child forming strong 'secure attachments' with its primary caregivers.  This is not a new theory by any means, Psychologist John Bowlby was the first attachment theorist, describing attachment as a "lasting psychological connectedness between human beings". Bowlby believed that the earliest bonds formed by children with their caregivers have a tremendous impact that continues throughout life.  It is well known that a few of the long-term beneficial effects of having a secure attachment with your mother or primary caregiver include:-

• Positive self image and high self esteem - the positivity from the way the parent sees and treats the child in turn becomes the way the child sees and treats themselves.
• Autonomy and Determination (with good problem solving skills) - having a 'secure base' develops creativity and mastery, leading to a 'I can do this attitude' whilst knowing he can return for help at anytime.
• Holding a positive view of themselves and others - having a secure attachment generally leads to perceiving the world as a non-threatening place and having a positive view of others.
• Strong relationships - the constant of having a caring affectionate mother paves the way to building and maintaining both long term friendships and intimate relationships - trust, intimacy and positive expectations are second nature.
• Good coping mechanisms - Having hope, a positive outlook on life and good self esteem, along with the ability to reach out for support help securely attached children deal more effectively with emotional challenges, stress and trauma.

Of course like I said previously there will be other complexities in these young peoples lives which I may not even have considered, but creating a strong bond with our children is something we can all do if we put effort and time into our relationships.  It may well create a happier, better socially adapted young adult who has considerations for others and positive expectations for their own future; which sadly was definitely something lacking in those individuals who chose to riot last weekend. 

Thank you for taking the time to read this, your comments are welcome as always.

xx

"Hold my hand Mummy"

This is a photograph of Stanley holding my hand.  He is a month away from his third birthday, it is hard to believe how quick the last 35 months have passed.
This photo was taken during the drive home from a camping holiday in France.  We were sat in the back together watching Toy Story under a duvet, as comfy as you can be while strapped into car seats.  A few minutes into the film he looked at me, smiled and said, "Hold my hand Mummy."
Life with Stanley is so precious.

I didn't really think about it until a friend commented on the picture on Facebook that I will come to treasure this photo, for one day Stanleys' hand will be bigger than mine.  It is so true; infancy and childhood is fleeting.  I believe we should try to make the most of our time with our children; not battle with them to shape them to what we want them to be, for it is a journey and relationship that over time will change.  Our children will not be forever dependant upon us as parents, I would like to think that building a relationship with Stanley based upon love, trust and mutual respect is perhaps what will keep us close when the time comes that Stanleys' hand is bigger than mine.

It is funny that at the time a somewhat insignificant picture can turn into something that is quite pivotal in terms of being a parent.  Does anyone else have any moments they would like to share which defined them as a parent, or cemented their way of thinking in terms of motherhood?