"When are you having another one then?"

I get asked this question on a weekly basis.  I do not mind being asked, in fact, I think it is good to think about it, and it has got me thinking.....when is the right time to have another baby?

There is no doubt that over the last few weeks I am noticeably more broody.  I am unsure if this is simply a change in me, or the secondary effects of Stanleys (who is now 34 months old) reduced breastfeeding; thus a hormonal driven change.

We have been thinking about the logistics of having another baby for a while.  For instance, should we have another baby when Stanley is at Pre-School, or wait until he goes to School when he is 5 years old?  When I go back to work having had a second baby how on earth do you drop your children off in two different places and manage to get to work yourself?  The main reason I find it so difficult to make a decision is that ultimately I want what is best for Stanley.  I would like a new baby in the family to be as small a disruption as possible to him, for I am acutely aware family dynamics will change irreversibly.  I have tried my utmost in the last 34 months to be as gentle and 'Stanley-led' as possible in my parenting, hence making natural decisions such as bed-sharing and extended breastfeeding.  My hope is that another sibling does not arrive until Stanley is old enough to have an understanding of the change, thus being able to deal with it better in himself.   I think it is safe to say when we choose to have another baby it, as Stanley, will be breastfed on demand and will bed-share from the very beginning.  Therefore with a small age gap between children my on-going concern is that this new arrival will rock Stanleys little world negatively, making him feel insecure and jealous, hence since Stanley was born I have always leaned towards a 3.5 year plus age gap.

From what I have read (which is purely opinion, rather than fact) it seems jealousy of a new siblings peaks between 18-36 months.  So having a baby at this time I think would mean a lot of extra pressure on Mum and Dad to make the change as gentle as possible on the older child, as well as finding time to bond and meet the needs of the newborn.  Stanley will be 3 years old in just a couple of months and being honest I think I would have, and probably still would at the moment, find it difficult to parent him in the way I have done and that he has become accustomed too, as well as finding time to spend nurturing my newborn.  Stanley has been known to throw quite dramatic tantrums, and not infrequently, so it has crossed my mind when one of these is happening, how on earth I would manage to keep a level head whilst trying to gently calm him down and tend to a baby?  I feel it would have been an injustice to Stanley to have had a new baby in the last year or so, I really don't believe he would have had the attention he deserves, however of course had it happened there is no doubt he would have adjusted to the change, just as I would have done.

Due to the fact I am definitely coming around to the idea of having a new baby I found it so interesting to read about the 'natural child spacing' that occurs in tribes who have no formal 'family planning', but rely solely on the contraceptive effects of breastfeeding.  In Western society it is no longer possible to rely on breastfeeding as a contraceptive past say the first 6 months; and this is only when you are feeding your baby on demand (day and night) and not supplementing the baby at all with any other milk, or water.  Once you start giving foods, or drinks, or supplement with formula, the contraceptive effect diminishes.  The pressure on mothers to wean their children from the breast is immense.  In reality you can carry on breastfeeding past 6 months and still go back to work, but in the UK this is not considered the norm.  The fact that we, as mothers, go back to work will mean a feeding schedule of some sort is enforced.  Stanley without doubt went without milk when I went back to work, I did 4-5 hour shifts, either morning or afternoon, and he did miss a feed or two in this time.  However he had the luxury of breastfeeding at night so could make up for these missed feeds, a process known as 'reverse cycling'.

So going back to these tribes and the main reason for this post, 'natural child spacing'.  One tribe called the !Kung San, hunter-gatherers in North-Western Botswana have been studied quite extensively.  Konner (1978)  noted that most children weaned after 3 years old, and at this age children woke once a night to nurse (as Stanley does).  Now the difference is that these !Kung tribe children nurse frequently, but briefly throughout the day up until the age of 3 (minimum), thus the contraceptive effect of breastfeeding is prolonged.  Wickes (1953) survey found 'natural birth spacing' for the !Kung tribe is very long because of this with an average of a 44 months (3 years 8 months) between siblings. This is not the only tribe where this has been noted, Kippley (1989) found the Gainj tribe of Papua New Guinea will feed their children on demand, and like the !Kung tribe, very frequently, up to 48 feeds in 24 hours.  This is an absolute world away from Western feeding schedules, where there is a focus upon leaving as much time as possible between feeds, both day and night.  I think it may be wise to question why we need all this time between feeds, who says it is actually for the best? (other than some parenting guru's) - it is certainly not best if we want the contraceptive effect of breasteeding.

Ultimately I feel it is instinctual and very natural to reach the point where you want another baby, and this feeling within me is no doubt getting stronger.  Deciding to have another baby is such a personal decision and of course writing a list of the pro's and con's is helpful, but ultimately not the be all and end all in the decision making process.  Thinking about it logistically at the moment in terms of my family is beneficial to me, in that it is making me take on board the effects it will have on Stanley.  As parents we have to make decisions that are right for our families, and this will no be different in every family, for I have seen very happy children with very short child spacing, and conversely with long spacing. 

Thank you for reading this piece, writing this has been so beneficial to me for the findings appear to back up my instinct that for my family, a bigger gap will hopefully be best for Stanley, and my family as a whole.

References.

Kippley S (1989). Breastfeeding and Natural Child Spacing. New York: Harper and Row.

Konner M (1978). Nursing Frequency and Birth Spacing in !Kung hunter-gathers. IPPF Med Bull. April 15(2): 1-3.

Wickes IG (1953). A History of Infant Feeding. Archives of Diseases in Childhood.