Parenting Decisions & Friendships.

Becoming a parent is the most life changing thing that will happen to you.  One day life is simple, it is all about you, no-one dependant on you, it is a fairly worry-free existence.  Then you become a mother and all your focus is aimed upon protecting and nurturing your beautiful baby.  From that day on life is never the same.

Becoming a parent changes you irreversibly, or it did me anyway.  What I did not realise at the time was 'how' you parent your child will change your relationship with others, and 'how' you parent will impact upon how others will treat you.

I think it is fair to say that I am an outspoken individual and over the last few weeks have discovered that my posting on Facebook about the things that interest me most, for instance breastfeeding, has caused friction among people I know.  Why do the decisions we make in bringing up our children cause such a stir with other people?  Everyone who knows me well knows that since having Stanley I have found a passion in motherhood.  I may not be mainstream in my decisions, which perhaps is what drives me to 'share' interesting things I find - to let others know if your maternal instinct takes you down this route too, then it's okay.  Good friends will also know that I am not judging other people when they do things differently.  Ultimately this would leave me with a very limited number of friends, and the last thing I intend to do is offend people with anything I post.

The majority of the friends I have are ones I went to school with.  Many of these have had children themselves and although we have all made different decisions in the parenting of our children, remain good friends.  They may well not agree or understand the decisions I have made to co-sleep or breastfeed for this 'extended' period; just as they have made decisions I may not necessarily choose.  But there is no judgement.  We are all good parents finding our own way with mutual respect for each other which has developed over time.

This is not to say that parenting decisions have no impact upon friendships.  For instance, finding a friend who shares your parenting ideals (whether it be mainstream or otherwise) is very comforting.  I know this first hand.  It has been utterly heartwarming to have recently met a friend who is very much similar to me in terms of the decisions we have made as parents.  The fact that we have this in common is central to our friendship, at the beginning when you know little about each other, it is what binds you together. 

So why does me posting cause rifts with not necessarily close friends, but say acquaintances? Is it because they think I am judging the parenting decisions they themselves made?  Do they take my posts as a personal insult?  If either of these are true I feel saddened, as this is not the aim in my posts, and I hope they never come across as such.  My posts are simply highlighting the things I have chosen to do, they should not be taken as what I think everybody should do, just opening other peoples eyes to less mainstream options.

I do understand of course that the issues I post about will provoke people. Subjects such as breastfeeding is something I could talk for hours about (as my husband knows!), and I feel quite sure a lot of people feel the same, no matter their stance on the subject.  I do feel cautious when posting about breastfeeding as there will always be the women who tried, and didn't manage to breastfeed past the first few, most difficult weeks.  For them especially this is a sensitive subject, and I in no way mean to belittle that.  However in my mind they should not feel guilty.  They gave it their best shot, and in all likelihood, it was not them who failed, but the system.  Women who give birth and want to breastfeed know very little other than the NHS message 'Breast Is Best'.  They (this included me prior to having Stanley) are usually unaware of the common problems most mums encounter in the first few days and weeks, and unaware of the reality of how often a newborn breastfed baby will feed (until the milk supply is well established), unless they have done this research themselves.  So when their baby is born, their milk hasn't come in yet, the babies crying and 'well-meaning' family and friends are advising to give the baby a bottle of formula, you can understand how so many give up so soon.  But I reiterate this is not the failing of a mother, but the whole pre-natal breastfeeding education and post natal support system.  I mean why on earth are National Childbirth Trust and La Leche League 24 hour breastfeeding telephone numbers not given to all new mothers when they have their baby?  And why do so few Midwives and Health Visitors specialise in breastfeeding, surely this should be central to the role?

I question why any mother would have an issue with my posts if they have made the decision to feed their baby artificial milk from day one.  Recent figures show that approximately 25% of women will do this.  I of course do not understand why they would make this decision, but feel as they themselves made this decision, they should be least bothered by my posting.  Presumably they knew all the facts and made an informed decision to feed their babies artificial milk?  If not, then maybe they will learn something and know for next time?  Alot of parenting is about learning from your mistakes, with your first baby you have never done this before, so of course we all do things at times that with hindsight we would change.

The question is should I stop posting?  Stop talking about these things that interest me most, for fear of offending people?  My posts appear to be drawing people in, as well as pushing people away.  I love the fact people reading my posts are people from all walks of life, and not all mothers yet, I find it absolutely fantastic.  Reading things like this before your baby is born, will hopefully give you greater inner confidence when you do become a mother.  But then some people read them, presumably take it as a personal attack on their parenting, and you know that whatever "friendship" we had, my posting has severed.  Realistically not everyone is going to like what I have written (and will write in future), and if people feel personally judged by what I have written I am sorry for this is not my aim.  But at the end of the day I, like anybody, want supportive people around me - irrelevant of what parenting path we choose to raise our children, and from that point of view, I do not feel like I have lost anything at all.