Maternal Instinct

Maternal instinct as we all know is something I believe to be very important, but sadly feel modern parenting 'techniques' ignore this innate aspect of being a mother.

I am fortunate to have been confident enough, and had lots of brilliant support, to be able to follow my natural instincts from birth.  Stanley was breastfed on demand from birth, has never been left to cry and stayed with me 24/7 unless it was absolutely necessary to leave him.  For instance, the first time I left him properly was when he was 4 months old and I had to have an operation under general anaesthetic.  I discussed with the anaesthetist that I was breastfeeding, and needed to have an anaesthetic compatable with this.  I made the nurses aware that as soon as I woke up, I wanted Stanley there to feed him.  They were in fact very accomodating, putting me first to the top of the queue for theatre so Chris and Stanley were not hanging around too long.  After this I didn't leave Stanley again until I had to go back to work.  There was no need to.  I enjoyed being at home in the evenings rather than yearning to 'go out', happy feeding my son to sleep and feel the same about these things today, so it has never crossed my mind to do things any different.  What I don't know is, is this just part of what makes me, 'me'? Do some people have much stronger maternal instincts than others? Am I just lucky enough to have a supportive husband who trusted my instinct rather than talking me into other, perhaps more conventional ways? I don't know the answer.

I am very fortunate to have a job where I get to meet a lot of new mothers and have a bit of time to discuss parenting with them.  I do meet a lot of mothers who do not seem to be very confident in themselves as a parent, have unreal expectations of motherhood and the baby, and look to books to give them routines.  These books are hugely common, one well known parenting 'guru' has sold over 2 million copies of her book which dictates an eating, playing, napping and sleeping schedule for baby from day one.  Personally, I would have found this impossible to follow.  Putting my baby in it's own room and not feeding it until a certain time would have gone against everything my body was telling me.  It would have ended our breastfeeding relationship before it barely begun, for the early days (say the first six weeks of the babies life) are all about establishing a good milk supply by feeding on demand.  I also think following a routine such as this would have impacted upon the bond Stanley and I have created, which breastfeeding has always been a part of.  I think it's all very good writing a baby book about implementing routines, I mean anybody could do that; but writing one that actually takes into account a mother instincts would surely be better for both mother and baby in the long run?

It surprised me to discover that many of these parenting 'gurus' don't actually have children themselves.  I find it rather funny that should any of these women have gone on to have a child after writing their manuals they may have had a very big fight on their hands with that good friend of mine, 'maternal instinct'.  I suppose it is very easy to write that you should delay feeding the baby until a certain time, or not look at the baby at night-time, or ignore a babies cry, that is until that cry is a baby of your own.  I meet many mums who have talked about their use of 'controlled crying', in fact it really should be called 'controlled comforting', and say how hard it is to listen to their babies cry.  The reason it is hard to hear is our maternal instinct.  It is us telling ourselves it is wrong and our baby needs us; for milk, for affection, for comfort.  These manuals have created unreal expectations for mothers, who want their babies sleeping through the night by 8 weeks and feeding not more than 4 hourly.  This is not a reality for breastfeeding mothers, but seeing as breastfeeding rates are so low, we don't hear much about what is 'normal' for a breastfed baby.  I believe that that most babies following these routines by 6 weeks are fed artificial milk, possibly because the schedule did not give them the opportunity to establish a good milk supply in the early days.

What I would say is if mothers choose to follow these routines, be confident enough to follow your innate maternal instincts too.  It's so important, listen to your babies needs, and remember comfort is a need, not a want in a baby.

As the mother of that beautiful baby, you are the most important person in your babies life; and following your maternal instincts are more than enough to guide you through the early days.